Is This a Novel or Something?…Everyone and Their Dog is Regressing, It’s Fucking Ridiculous – Chapter 21

—————————————————————–
Translated By Arcane Translations
Translator: Mod7
—————————————————————–

◇◇◇◆◇◇◇

That crazy pointy-eared bastard, Lucian, showed up every hour on the hour.

Before the start of morning classes:

“Have you reconsidered?! Kim Hye-ji!!”

During a quick run to the store:

“Why delay the inevitable? You will be mine!”

After class:

“I’ll grant you anything you desire.”

When we were on our way to lunch:

“I graced you with my presence, yet you still refuse to acknowledge me?”

Even during practical training:

“Do you find that pathetic short-lived creature appealing? I can’t understand it.”

After practical training:

“Are you seriously comparing me to that inferior short-lived being?”

He even showed up during the impromptu additional self-study session.

“Appearance, wealth, lineage—you’re inferior in every aspect, even your genitals are lacking.”

“The last one isn’t true, you fucking bastard.”

Pricked by his words, I shot up from my seat.

Lucian just scoffed.

“Hmph! Seeing is believing. Come on, show me just how inferior you are.”

He gestured to his entourage of girls.

At the same time, the number above his head increased.

What is a man’s penis?

A small but crucial companion, as precious as life itself.

Historically, groin protectors were invented before helmets.

That’s how important it is.

It’s a sensitive topic, even among close friends.

But this pointy-eared bastard dared to challenge me to a dick measuring contest.

I couldn’t lose this one.

‘I can lose to anyone, but not this elf. Damn it!’

A rabbit beast-kin girl stepped forward from Lucian’s group.

Her eyes immediately locked onto my lower body.

A moment passed.

Suddenly, her face flushed red, and her jaw dropped in surprise.

Then, she shifted her gaze to Lucian’s lower body.

Her expression instantly turned gloomy.

She must have some kind of X-ray vision.

But it was a relief.

Her reaction told me who the winner was.

‘I win, you elven bastard.’

I grinned, enjoying the sight.

Lucian, confused by her unexpected reaction, turned to her.

“What’s wrong? Why aren’t you saying anything?”

Finally, the red number above his head went up.

He must have experienced a different future just now.

Ignoring the elf, whose smug grin was slowly fading, the girls began whispering among themselves.

Several of them shot me strange looks.

Disbelief mingled with blatant lust.

Then, they started acting weird.

They held out their hands, placing one palm near their groin and the other on their lower abdomen.

They then started alternately looking at my lower body and the position of their hands..

‘I appreciate it, but isn’t this a bit too much?’

It didn’t seem appropriate for impressionable young minds.

I turned my gaze, worried that Hye-ji and Kyouko might pick up some bad habits.

“…Hye-ji? Why are you copying them?”

“Huh? N-no, I’m not! Don’t mind me!”

But Hye-ji was doing the exact same thing.

Kyouko burst out laughing.

“The hardware is too advanced for that level of intelligence wwwwww”

Hye-ji’s face was beet red.

Embarrassment mixed with a hint of fear.

Lucian, realizing that the situation wasn’t going his way, turned to his entourage.

A few girls approached him and whispered something before returning to their spots.

A sudden silence fell over Lucian’s group.

Kyouko, pointing at Lucian, started laughing.

“Elves are smaller than Japanese people wwwww.”

Lucian’s face turned pale.

He quickly fled the classroom.

That day, the elf didn’t return.

◇◇◇◆◇◇◇

The day before the midterms.

Hye-ji, with dark circles under her eyes, greeted me before the pointy-eared bastard could arrive.

Kyouko was next to her, beaming, having seemingly become good friends with Hye-ji.

“Hye-ji, why do you look so dead?”

“That damn elf kept me up all night! Those bitches!”

“He came to the girls’ dorm?”

“No, his harem.”

“Those onaholes! How dare they act up!”

Kyouko agreed with Hye-ji, her tone sharp.

I noticed that Kyouko also had dark circles under her eyes.

It seemed like they had slept together in Hye-ji’s room.

“Are they insane? Why do they keep waking us up every night?”

“Can’t you just beat them up?”

“It’s endless aggro ping-pong, damn it. Should I just target that elf during the midterms and crush him?”

“Did you ask anyone for help?”

Hye-ji let out a sigh.

“He’s a High Elf, so even the professors are keeping quiet.”

“Those bastards are useless.”

“My dad said it’s a delicate situation to get involved in. Should I just kill them all?”

“Unacceptable!!! In the democratic nation of Japan, this is absolutely intolerable!!!!!”

“…Kyouko, your country is basically a feudal society.”

“Eh? Honto?”

After calming down the shocked Kyouko, we continued our conversation.

“Hye-ji, remember this: a good elf is a dead elf.”

“You’re absolutely right. I hate racism and pointy-ears the most in this world.”

“But even if we defeat him during the midterms, he’ll probably keep bothering us.”

Just then, the elf and his entourage barged into the classroom.

Suddenly, I noticed someone behind Lucian’s group.

It was Professor Pil-yong.

He must have come to see who we wanted to choose for our midterm practical opponent.

The timing was perfect.

I had a good plan.

I raised my hand without hesitation.

“Professor.”

“Shinwoo? What is it?”

“We can choose our midterm practical opponent now, right?”

“Who are you going to choose? You can probably beat almost anyone at this point.”

“That pointy-eared bastard.”

I pointed at Lucian.

He scoffed.

“Ha! I went easy on you, and now you’re getting cocky!”

“…Shinwoo, are you sure you want to choose Lucianer?”

Professor Pil-yong asked seriously, as if to confirm my decision.

I made an even bolder proposition.

“Yes, and since we’re fighting anyway, please call a Covenant Broker. I want to make a pact with him.”

“Why would I make a pact with a short-lived species? What do I have to gain from it!”

“Scared?”

“Who said I’m scared!!!”

His reaction was as expected.

No one could endure the humiliation of being labeled “scared” of an Iron-tier.

Even our brother Ah-gwi snapped when Go-ni said those words to him.

“If you’re chickening out, then die~. You scaredy-cat~.”

“Hurry up and arrange the pact! You’ll regret this!!!”

“Same goes for you, bastard.”

“Alright, I’ll call a Covenant Broker. Meet me here in ten minutes.”

As soon as Professor Pil-yong finished speaking, Lucian stormed out of the classroom.

Ten minutes later.

The classroom was packed.

Kyouko, Hye-ji, and I were there, along with a crowd of Iron-tiers who were eager to watch the spectacle, Professor Pil-yong, Lucian and his entourage, and finally, the Covenant Broker.

Lucian looked a bit pale.

“This bastard had sex, didn’t he?”

“That’s right! Are you jealous?”

I wasn’t jealous.

“Premature ejaculator.”

“……”

He was just pathetic.

Lucian was speechless.

Ignoring the elf who had been silenced, I addressed the Covenant Broker.

“Covenant Broker, please arrange a mutual pact between us.”

“Yes, sir.”

A mutual pact was an agreement between two parties where each party made a promise to the other, a promise they absolutely had to fulfill.

The Covenant Broker played a crucial role in this process.

They ensured that the process went smoothly and that there were no misunderstandings.

In simpler terms, a pact was a contract.

And the Covenant Broker was a mediator and a notary.

Of course, there were certain conditions that had to be met for the pact to be valid.

It was only possible when there was a clear winner and loser between the two parties.

And the consequences of breaking the pact had to be as equal as possible for both sides.

The Covenant Broker turned to me and said,

“What kind of request do you have for your opponent, Mr. Shinwoo?”

“I want it to be private. The details will only be revealed when he needs to fulfill the pact.”

“You want it to be revealed if you win, correct? Then please write down your request here.”

“Thank you.”

The Covenant Broker handed me a piece of paper.

I wrote down my request carefully, making sure no one else could see it.

While I was writing, the Covenant Broker turned to Lucian.

“What kind of request do you have, Mr. Lucianer?”

“Hmph! I’ll wager that that wench Hye-ji will declare herself mine!”

“Request accepted.”

The Covenant Broker wrote down Lucian’s request on a piece of paper identical to mine.

I had finished writing by then.

I handed my request to the Covenant Broker.

“Here you go.”

“I won’t look at the content, but please be mindful that physically impossible requests cannot be enforced.”

“I understand.”

The Covenant Broker carefully folded both papers.

He then looked at me and Lucian and said,

“What will be the consequences of breaking the pact?”

Lucian slammed his fist on the table and glared at me.

He let out a sinister laugh.

“Bet whatever you want! It’s not too late to back down if you’re scared!”

He was underestimating me.

I returned his sinister grin.

“Put your head on the line, you pointy-eared bastard.”

“Fine! It’s a bet!”

The Covenant Broker’s expression changed slightly.

From a neutral expression to a mixture of discomfort and amusement.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen such a fierce wager.”

Meanwhile, Lucian was laughing maniacally.

He seemed to think he had already won.

“Whether you lose or die, that bitch is mine now!”

“This bastard’s acting like he’s already won. He’s really asking for a beating.”

“Thank you both. Please give me your hands. It will sting a little.”

I felt a sharp pain in my fingertip.

The Covenant Broker carefully collected a small amount of blood that oozed from the wound.

“It will take about ten minutes to process. Please wait a moment.”

This was where the Covenant Broker’s expertise came into play.

They used their mana to process about 5ml of blood collected from both parties.

The processed blood was then injected back into our bodies and circulated throughout our systems.

The pact was complete when the Covenant Broker’s unique symbol appeared near our hearts.

It was basically like putting on a shackle.

A shackle that would kill you, painfully, if you broke the pact and didn’t pay the price.

The Covenant Broker, having finished the processing, spoke to us,

“The processing is complete. Please place the wound where I drew blood on this sphere.”

The blood looked the same as before, with no visible changes.

But there were two strange things about it.

It was still fresh, with no signs of drying, even though ten minutes had passed.

And it maintained a spherical shape, hovering above the papers with our requests.

I touched the blood sphere with my wound.

The blood suddenly entered my body through the cut.

It was definitely my blood, but it felt different somehow.

I felt it travel from my hand to my heart, then to every part of my body.

Finally, I felt a foreign sensation near my heart, and then it disappeared.

At the same time, the Covenant Broker’s symbol appeared on my chest.

A heart tattoo wasn’t too bad.

It could have been a womb or prostate tattoo.

As the symbol appeared on my chest, the Covenant Broker bowed.

His role was complete.

“Everything is done. Thank you for using my services.”

“Thank you, Covenant Broker.”

“Enjoy the entertainment until your death!”

The Covenant Broker left, followed by the elf’s entourage.

Professor Pil-yong then proceeded with his original purpose: asking for volunteers who wanted to choose their midterm practical opponent.

As soon as he left, Hye-ji turned to me with a worried expression.

“Shinwoo, can you actually win?”

“I dunno.”

Hye-ji gave me the “looking at an idiot” look.

“What the hell were you thinking, choosing him!”

“But Onee-chan… if I didn’t, that bastard would have kept being an asshole…”

“Don’t insult the language of the Japanese people!”

Kyouko expressed her anger.

Hye-ji sighed and rubbed her temples.

“Shinwoo, what are you going to make him do if you win? You even made a pact.”

“It’s a secret.”

Hye-ji’s eyes suddenly lit up with expectation.

“Are you going to make him declare that I’m yours?”

“No, that’s not it?”

“At times like this, you should at least lie and say yes!”

Hye-ji and Kyouko both glared at me.

It took a while for their anger to subside.

◇◇◇◆◇◇◇

The written midterm exam in the morning was over quickly.

To be honest, it felt insignificant compared to the upcoming practical exam.

Of course, it wasn’t easy.

Here’s a simple example:

Q. If a monster appears, who should you save first, your mother or your girlfriend?

It was a bullshit question.

And it was a short answer question.

*’Shouldn’t they at least ask if I have a girlfriend first, you bastards?’ *

I had researched Lucian’s abilities on Namuwiki.

But there was a problem.

His abilities were tricky.

‘Even considering the High Elf bias, he must be a capable Gold-tier.’

First, he could use spirits.

His spirits were of the wind element, and they typically manifested as wind emanating from his hands.

His abilities included controlling plant growth and manipulating plants at will.

He could freely control up to four plants, regardless of their type or size.

*’I believe you, Namuwiki.’ *

It was an ability that varied greatly depending on the location.

But it meant he could utilize his powers in any environment with vegetation.

Unlike our previous training sessions, the location for the midterm practicals was randomly chosen.

Desert, city, standard training grounds… if there was no grass, I could beat him up without worry.

But if it was a forest or a jungle, I was screwed.

*’Please, don’t let it be anywhere with grass, damn it.’ *

I did a final check of my equipment.

I had brought everything I could.

Four hand axes on my hip, eight daggers strapped to my body.

Steel gauntlets on both hands, a semi-automatic shotgun in my left hand, and a longsword in my right.

And the Defensive Coat I received from Old Man Kang-hyuk.

‘I didn’t want to use it, but I don’t think I can win without it.’

I was waiting for Hye-ji.

To receive the final weapon: incendiary grenades.

She arrived a few minutes later.

She was carrying a belt with 12 incendiary grenades, and she personally fastened it around my waist.

“Shinwoo, you have to win.”

“I’ll try my best. It’ll be fine.”

Her eyes turned lifeless for a moment.

“If you lose, I’ll kill myself.”

“Hey, why are you suddenly talking about suicide?”

“I’ll kill myself with you.”

“Damn it, so it’s murder-suicide for me.”

I had finished attaching the grenades.

She looked at me with worried eyes and asked,

“…You can win, right?”

I started walking towards the training grounds.

I turned my head and smiled at her.

“I’ll crush them.”

And so my figure moved away from her.

Hye-ji stared blankly at my back and said,

“You idiot, usually when you say that, it’s you who gets crushed.”

◇◇◇◆◇◇◇

Typically, betting was prohibited during midterm practicals.

The academy’s policy was to keep exams free from financial incentives.

It was hypocritical.

If they were serious about it, they should create an academy that doesn’t require money.

They allow gambling for everything else, then ban it when it matters most? Like gamblers would ever listen.

But there was a beacon of hope for the gamblers who were suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

A short voting session held between the written and practical exams.

The vote was simple:

Everyone except the students taking the exam could vote on which practical they wanted to watch.

And only for the duel with the most votes, gambling was allowed.

And the results of the vote…

“You’re wearing way too much, you know?”

…were in, and my duel with Lucian was chosen.

Lucian, who was waiting for me, spoke as soon as he saw me.

I ignored him and examined his appearance.

He was wearing the same cumbersome and impractical outfit as before.

Judging by his physique and attire, he didn’t seem like the brawling type.

Just as I entered the training grounds, I heard the frenzied voices of the gamblers.

“This is a sure win. I believe in our elf.”

“Are there still any underdogs left? This is A for Asphalt! B for Bitcoin and C for Concrete are all dead!!”

“Kill Nathan Maia!!!!!”

“That’s not even from this novel, you idiot.”

“How can you not bet on the favorite for this?”

“The tier difference between Iron and Gold is too big to even queue together! Who would be crazy enough to bet on the underdog?”

The excitement showed no signs of subsiding.

Of course, there were some cases where it got out of hand.

“Candidate number one, Lucian!!!! We believe in you!!!!”

Like that, for example.

After a recent update to the academy app, it was now possible to gamble using the app.

There were still a few bugs, but it was a huge improvement compared to the previous handwritten system.

Everyone was clutching their phones like betting slips, shouting and cheering.

The restrictions on the app were lifted for the visiting students so they could also experience the betting culture.

I spotted Hye-ji, Kyouko, and Sister Ye-rim nearby.

“Shinwoo! I bet all my money on you, so don’t lose!”

“Shinwoo-chan!!!! Crush those wretched Kalfs with divine punishment!!!!”

“Shinwoo! This is Kang-hyuk’s and my wedding fund! We can only get married if you win!!!”

I waved at them and surveyed the crowd.

There were many elves who were fanatically supporting Lucian, likely because he was a High Elf.

‘He’s just a candidate, and he already has a fan base?’

I focused my hearing on the elves.

And all I could hear were curses and insults directed at me.

My suspicions were correct.

From now on, a good elf was a dead elf.

There might not be bad dogs in this world, but there were definitely bad elves.

The training ground system activated.

I started praying desperately.

I wanted to believe in a religion, even though I wasn’t religious.

‘Please, no grass. No grass. No grass.’

But there was no god.

The chosen location was the worst possible place: a clearing in a forest.

I had to fight an elf with his powers maximized.

The favorite bettors cheered even louder.

‘Damn it, nothing ever goes my way.’

Lucian didn’t even try to hide his glee.

He pointed at me and laughed maniacally.

“Hahahahaha! Victory is already mine!”

“You think you can still say that after I put a bullet in your head?”

“Come and struggle all you want. No matter what you do, you’ll die a miserable death!”

There was that guy in the crowd who mentioned Nathan Maia earlier.

Hey, Mr. Maia?

We might not share the same last name, but we’re from the same platform, so can I borrow your line for a moment?

“That’s not going to happen, pointy-ears.”

I drew the sword that was embedded in the ground.

I slung it over my shoulder and repeated,

“No matter what happens, I will never…”

I pointed the sword at him.

And then I smiled sinisterly.

“…Die, pointy-ears.”

The cheering from the favorite bettors intensified.

Most of them were elves, of course.

Kyouko, enraged, started shouting even more aggressively.

“We should send all these shitty pointy-ears to the gas chambers!!!!!!!!!!!!”

You go, Kyouko!

You have the blood of the Axis powers flowing through you.

◇◇◇◆◇◇◇