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Translated By Arcane Translations
Translator: Cyno
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Lightning tore through my chest. His movements were violent, and Yu So-eun grew increasingly bewildered.
— My lord… Why are you acting like this…? Please, at least tell me the reason…
Yu So-eun muttered meaningless words to herself. Lightning’s inexplicable actions showed no sign of stopping.
A stream of rough curses spilled from his lips.
“Damn it, damn it, damn it! Damn it all!!”
Lightning’s firm chest was exposed to the world.
For a brief moment, Yu So-eun averted her eyes from his nakedness, but soon, she widened them in shock at his strange behavior.
— M-My lord! What are you doing?!
Scrape, scrape—
Lightning’s nails clawed at his own skin. Crimson blood trickled down his fingers.
Chunks of flesh, mixed with muscle, were torn away. Lightning began to despair.
“Fuck.”
— W-What… Why have you been acting like this since earlier…?!
“Fuck, why won’t it beat…?”
— …Beat?
“Do I have to be a cat…? She said she wants to meet me again…!”
— …!
Lightning was consumed by sorrow. Not a trace of the rage and fury he had shown before remained.
He was angry—but not at Yu So-eun. At himself.
— My lord… What secret are you still hiding…? What do you mean you can’t be a cat when I’m the one asking to meet…?
Lightning’s emotions grew increasingly heightened. Watching him, Yu So-eun’s heart tightened in turn.
“Fuck, fuck. Why now…?”
“…No, So-eun can do it.”
“She just… needs a little more time.”
“Who the hell am I to act so important? She’s just caught off guard right now.”
What could she do? What kind of time did she need? What was he even talking about?
It was impossible to understand.
Lightning slumped forward, pressing his forehead against a tree.
His broad back trembled with sobs.
“Please… forget about me… and live on…”
— My lord…
“Let me be the only one who breaks…”
…Breaks?
What did he mean by saying that breaking was something only he should do?
Yu So-eun’s mind was too overwhelmed by the day’s shocks to function properly, but she still tried to piece together his words.
She couldn’t fully grasp his meaning, but his last words stuck in her heart.
Breaking.
She didn’t know the full context. But one thing was certain—she couldn’t let him break any further.
Hadn’t he already shattered beyond repair?
For him to break even more, to crumble completely—even as someone who was now a stranger to him, Yu So-eun couldn’t just stand by and watch.
…And judging by his words, there seemed to be some inexplicable reason behind that “stranger” status, too.
Even if it was out of guilt, she couldn’t ignore it.
— …Could it be related to your usual life, where you never showed any desire?
— That fleeting love you held only for me… Surely you haven’t lost even that, have you?
— Even after spending nearly a year with Taewonjinga’s Wolhwa, there wasn’t the slightest hint of anything between you… Was that just a coincidence?
The sad thing was, the more she thought about it, the more the “reason” that came to mind was the one she least wanted to accept.
— …It was just a coincidence, right?
As if responding to her question, Lightning spoke quietly.
“…I’ll have to make a move.”
What move? She had no way of knowing.
But… her questions wouldn’t remain unanswered for long.
“I’ll have to… catch that bastard Namgoong Bin.”
“So So-eun… can live well without me.”
“So she can stand on her own… Pfft!”
“Pfft—kuhahaha!”
For some reason, Lightning burst into laughter, a hollow, mirthless sound.
Yu So-eun focused on his earlier words.
— Without you…? Stand on my own…?
She felt keenly that she was missing a crucial piece of the truth.
She didn’t know exactly what it was.
But one thing was certain.
— What… are you really trying to do…?
The fact that Lightning had pushed her away wasn’t a choice he made for himself.
Ssshh—
Yu So-eun emerged from the sword’s memories with a bitter expression. Complex emotions swirled across her face.
None of them were bright.
Inside the memories shown by the Cheonggwang Sword, she had seen many things. She saw Lightning killing the two villains of Hwasan and screaming in rage.
‘This damn martial world…! I should’ve never saved it!!’
Who would’ve thought there was such a story behind those words? Lightning regretted saving the world. The thought brushed through her mind.
Her thoughts spiraled, one after another, and at the end—as always—was a deep sense of guilt directed at herself.
In the end, if she had just trusted him, none of this would have happened.
If only she had stayed by his side.
Next, the conversation between her father and her husband resurfaced in her mind.
She still couldn’t fully understand that conversation, either.
But one thing was certain.
‘Even if she failed in her duty to me, I will fulfill mine.’
Lightning was planning something again—something she didn’t know about.
For her sake.
Just like when he had hidden everything and regressed.
“Just what… are you…?”
A feeble whisper escaped Yu So-eun’s parted lips. She sounded utterly drained.
‘Your daughter apologized to me. Since she’s said sorry, the matter is over.’
‘She didn’t act out of malice, did she? She did her best in her position. She’s still doing her best now.’
Yu So-eun’s face twisted.
She was ashamed. Her face burned.
The fact that she had been forgiven.
Even though she hadn’t even known the truth when she apologized—even though it had been nothing but empty words.
The fact that she had been forgiven without even realizing it.
It was humiliating.
Because it meant Lightning had been waiting, even for that hollow apology.
And yet, she was someone who didn’t even deserve forgiveness.
A spineless, faithless woman, swaying like a reed in the wind.
A pitiful woman who had once been wed to such a great man—something far beyond her worth.
“For someone like me… what are you planning to do now…?”
Her cracked gaze swept over the Cheonggwang Sword she had just been immersed in.
Her eyes were so dry that not even tears came out anymore.
“Haah…”
I’m an idiot.
Not just like an idiot—I really am one.
An idiot, a fool, a worthless insect.
Stupid, ignorant, pathetic.
I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.
To my father, who didn’t stop me when I ran away from the sect—I’m sorry for failing as a daughter.
To my beloved blood, Su-a—I’m sorry for failing as a mother.
And to him—
To the man who was too good for me.
Cheol-bin—no, I should call him Lightning now.
I’m sorry. I’m truly, truly sorry.
I’ve committed an unforgivable sin against you.
I broke the most basic rule between husband and wife—to trust you.
Like a reed swaying in the wind, my heart wavered.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
Even though my apology will never reach you, I still beg.
It’s shameful that I, who don’t even deserve forgiveness, have already been forgiven without knowing.
I’m an absolute fool, an imbecile, a worm.
I was never worthy of holding you.
I have no right to judge who you’re with now.
…But honestly, my heart isn’t entirely pure, either.
The woman by your side—once Taewonjinga’s Wolhwa, now Kunlun’s Okhwa.
That seat… I can’t help but feel the ugly desire to sit there myself.
But I won’t dare hope for it.
Because I’m a woman who doesn’t deserve it. A woman for whom even sitting beside you would be too much.
A useless woman who couldn’t even return a fraction of the love you gave me.
Yes, that’s the kind of person I am.
I’ve always been like this, and I still am.
When I joined the Nine Dragons and Seven Flowers in my teens? That was only possible because Hwasan’s martial arts were exceptional—not because I was talented.
The fame and wealth I gained as the mistress of the Namgoong family? All of it was yours, not mine.
Even now, when I’m praised as Su-a’s mother, I’ve never been truly revered as “Yu So-eun” herself.
All because I’m incompetent.
Incompetent, slow-witted, and stubborn to a fault.
I even made the worst mistake—
No, let me correct that. Not a mistake—a sin.
…At least I want to keep my last shred of conscience. Though even that might be too much for a woman as wretched as me.
Anyway… I’m this kind of flawed, hopeless woman, listing off nothing but my shortcomings.
And yet, you—what unseen grace are you planning to bestow upon me again?
It hurts when you curse at me, but I deserve to be cursed at.
So why? Why won’t you curse me?
You said you’d fulfill your duty.
But you never told me—not even in your mutterings—what that duty is.
I’m afraid.
You’ve always sacrificed yourself for others—are you preparing to sacrifice yourself again?
You can abandon me. No, please abandon me. And be happy. You deserve to be happy.
Even if the world slanders you, even if that bastard Namgoong Bin frames you—you’re someone who can be happy.
You have Wolhwa. You have Okhwa. They’re both good people. Even if Okhwa misunderstood you like I did, she admitted her mistake and apologized properly—unlike me.
Even with people like that by your side, why won’t you choose happiness?
You—
The kind, upright man I fell in love with at first sight.
The man who never strayed from the path his unwavering conviction led him down.
I thought you’d changed, but you hadn’t—no, you’d become even more righteous, to the point where the past you seemed faded in comparison.
How can you be so incredible?
How can you be so perfect?
Even now, as I apologize to you in my heart, my heart races.
I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I can’t control my body’s reaction.
It’s worse because of the words you left behind. Even though I know it’s a futile hope, my foolish impulses shake my heart.
Your journal… I’ve already memorized which page it was.
I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you—those countless whispers of love were all for me.
Even if it was only in the past.
I shouldn’t feel this way, but it makes me so happy. So overjoyed.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
I shouldn’t harbor such shameless feelings.
I shouldn’t try to gather spilled water after abandoning you.
But you’re just too righteous. Too beautiful.
Your unshaken sense of justice, unchanged by the world’s storms, shakes my heart.
I keep finding myself hoping again.
I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
For failing to believe in you.
And—
For presumptuously daring to love you.
I want to sit by your side.
I want to lean on you.
I want to stand beside you.
I want to serve you devotedly.
I want to live as your wife.
I want to raise Su-a with you.
I want to end my life with you.
I want to dedicate my wretched life to you.
I want to spend my life loving you.
I love you, I love you. I love you. Truly, truly love you.
As much as you loved me. For all those countless years.
I want to love you, too.
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