Is This a Novel or Something?…Everyone and Their Dog is Regressing, It’s Fucking Ridiculous – Chapter 9

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Translated By Arcane Translations
Translator: Mod7
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The back row of the classroom.

A place often associated with delinquent students or transfer students.

But in reality, it was a testament to diligence, a prize claimed only by the most punctual.

In this meritocratic world where there were no assigned seats, those who arrived early secured the best spots.

And the definition of “early” was relative.

If you came an hour before class started and someone was already sitting in the back row, having arrived two hours earlier?

Then, you’d have to swallow your tears and accept defeat.

‘Yeah, enjoy your victory while it lasts.’

Of course, I wasn’t the diligent type.

Arriving moderately early could land me in a mediocre middle seat.

In that case, I’d rather just arrive on time and take a front-row seat.

As I hurriedly climbed the stairs and turned towards my classroom, I bumped into someone.

I apologized before even looking at who it was.

“I’m so sorry. I wasn’t paying attention while coming up the stairs.”

“It’s alright. This was my fault. Don’t worry about it.”

…Archaic speech?

What kind of old geezer talks like that?

Could it be a professor?

The thought of a professor ignited murderous intent within me.

And it was justified murderous intent.

Because I had been tormented ever since the first day.

Professor Pil-yong wouldn’t leave me alone, bringing a new version of the Ability Reader every chance he got.

The latest version was called “Ability Reader_Final_Revised_Patched_Complete Version(3).”

The result was still, predictably, non-ability user.

Not satisfied with just that, he conducted additional tests and even wrote a thesis about it.

Of course, I gained absolutely nothing from being his test subject.

‘There’s no reason to keep this person alive.’

I quickly examined the person I had bumped into.

A black martial arts uniform, youthful appearance, tall for a woman.

Her way of speaking sounded like an old fart, making me wonder if she was some reverse-aging weirdo. But she was holding a phone, so thankfully, that wasn’t the case.

“I’m glad you’re not hurt.”

“There’s no need to worry. This one is stronger than most.”

She waved her hand dismissively.

“Alright, but let me know if you feel any pain.”

“Hmph. You should worry about your own body. Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine. Enjoy your classes.”

“Very well.”

With that, the woman in the martial arts uniform walked away.

It was refreshing to encounter someone so polite.

Twelve days into my academy life, I finally met a normal person.

Seeing her being so courteous made me speak politely as well.

I thought about the people I had met in the academy so far.

Come to think of it, none of them had reacted normally.

The crazy bitch who smashed my head with a book. The infirmary teacher who was ready to plan my funeral.

The professor who wanted to break my limbs in the first class. The tool.

‘There’s not a single decent human being here.’

At that moment, my conscience stabbed me, saying, “It’s all your fault!!”

My triangular conscience, now blunt on all sides, delivered a critical blow with its last remaining sharpness.

Kekeke. Nice try.

It didn’t hurt at all.

The only thing that could hurt me was not pulling a limited-edition character after hitting pity.

The classroom was in chaos when I arrived.

All the students were clutching their ears and groaning.

Then, one of them spotted me and muttered, “It’s Kim Shinwoo…”

As soon as those words left his mouth, everyone in the classroom turned their fervent gazes upon me.

“Kim Shinwoo, you bastard. Where the hell have you been?”

“My ears are killing me. But wasn’t she pretty?”

“I can’t hear anything in my left ear… But yeah, she was pretty.”

“Does anyone have this fucker’s contact information?”

“I can’t see anything… It’s all Kim Shinwoo’s fault.”

What the…?

Why are they blaming me for their temporary disabilities?

Do you want them to be permanent?

Then, a figure shuffled towards me from the back row.

It was Hye-ji.

Of course, her expression was no different from the other students.

She had her red hair styled in twin tails.

“Ha… Where were you, Shinwoo?”

“I came straight from my dorm. I always come at this time.”

She dropped her usual act because she was in pain.

“That crazy bitch never listened.”

“What happened?”

“Before you came, some crazy woman was screaming her head off.”

“Crazy woman?”

Hye-ji was still massaging her ears, clearly in pain.

As soon as I heard the word “woman,” a question naturally came out of my mouth.

“Was she pretty?”

“I don’t know, damn it. But she had big boobs.”

Pass.

“But why was she looking for me?”

“That crazy woman wanted to see you.”

“Why?????”

“I don’t know?”

“You don’t know?”

????

Why was she looking for me?

Could it be the bitch who smashed my head with a book?

Ah, the time for judgment has arrived.

Seeing my expression, Hye-ji narrowed her eyes and asked,

“Someone’s coming to mind, right? Spill it.”

“Was she wearing glasses and had black hair in braids?”

“No, why?”

“I see…”

It wasn’t the person I was expecting.

But Hye-ji, eager to find out the reason, continued to question me.

“So why did you ask that?”

“You don’t know?”

She raised her voice, getting annoyed.

“No! How would I know? I’ve only known you for a few days!”

“Ah, right. That happened.”

Hye-ji’s face slowly flushed red with anger.

“Just tell me why you asked about that woman!”

“I’m not going to give you the answer you want.”

“You little shit, Shinwoo!!!”

“It’s not the right time yet.”

As soon as I finished my sentence, she started to strangle me.

The professor arrived just in time, so she quickly released her grip. But it took me a while to catch my breath.

Why is this supporter so strong?

Live up to your name, for crying out loud.

Of course, I managed to hold back from saying those words out loud.

My life was precious.

After overcoming those unexpected challenges, the first class finally ended. As soon as the professor left, Hye-ji approached me again.

Anticipating what was coming, she was already getting ready to strangle me.

But before she could even open her mouth, the classroom door flew open with a loud bang.

The woman I had bumped into earlier at the stairs stepped in.

And without hesitation, she let out a roar.

“Kim Shinwoo, you little shit!!! Get the hell out here!!!!”

This time, the students were prepared and all covered their ears.

However, I wasn’t paying attention and took a direct hit.

‘Damn AoE CC bitch.’

To stop her from using it again, I quickly stepped forward.

“I’m Kim Shinwoo. Now shut your mouth.”

“Eh? You’re the one from this morning… Are you late because you were scared of this one?”

The old fart suddenly sneered at me.

This bitch?

“I always come at that time, damn it.”

“Whatever. This one came to challenge you to a duel.”

“A duel out of the blue? What is this, Yu-Gi-Oh!?”

“Don’t misunderstand. This one has a clear reason for wanting to duel you.”

It made sense to use a duel to settle legal matters, but a duel to resolve every conflict?

Who was this anachronistic crazy bitch?

“I’m a pacifist, so I don’t really enjoy fighting.”

“Do you remember what happened at the library last Monday?”

She suddenly brought up the library incident.

I did get beaten up by that crazy bitch.

“That bitch almost cracked my head open.”

“Because of you, my sister was defiled!”

“…What?”

Suddenly, I became the perpetrator, even though I was the one who got beaten up.

As I was reeling from this unexpected #MeToo accusation, the old fart continued,

“My sister hasn’t smiled since that day.”

“Hold on, you bitch.”

“Whenever she thinks about that nightmare, she trembles and breaks out in a cold sweat. She used to be so cheerful.”

She spoke in a soft voice, her eyes filled with longing.

Hye-ji, who was watching from the sidelines, was slowly dying inside.

It’s not what you think, Hye-ji.

Seriously, it’s not.

Meanwhile, I heard voices around me whispering insults.

“Wow, I thought he was just a bastard, but he’s actually a super bastard.”

“He’s spreading his seed on the first day? While we’re over here worried about getting a C.”

“What’s so great about being an ability user? This guy’s out here having public sex on the first day, that’s a real skill.”

“Hyah! Bear the child of the inferior non-ability user!”

“Oh my God!!! The non-ability user’s seed is invading my womb!! I don’t want to give birth to a non-ability user’s child!!!”

“The last two, shut the fuck up!!! You bastards!!!”

My mind was spinning.

I pleaded with the old fart,

“I was unconscious for five days after your sister beat me up!”

“Even though my sister resisted, a defiled heart can never be restored.”

“That bitch cracked my head open! Why is your sister the one crying?!”

“That’s why I’m challenging you to a duel, to restore my sister’s honor.”

She completely ignored everything I said.

“You’re a delusional old fart, aren’t you? Be honest, you’re using reverse aging, right?”

“Shut up, you bastard!!!”

She reacted strongly to the term “delusional old fart.”

She even dropped her act for a moment.

She cleared her throat a few times and recovered her composure.

“As a martial artist, this one formally challenges you to a duel.”

“Damn it, you’re impossible to reason with.”

Are you a wall?

The only wall here is Hye-ji’s chest.

I quickly averted my gaze as Hye-ji shot me a sharp glare.

The old fart continued speaking, clearly intending to say her piece and leave.

“Meet this one at the training grounds after all classes are over. This one will avenge my sister’s lost innocence.”

“You dropped your act when you were pissed off and looking for me, didn’t you?”

“…What are you talking about? This one has always spoken like this.”

She suddenly averted her gaze.

You can’t fool my eyes, bitch.

“If you’re going to put on an act, commit to it. You lost your composure when you got angry.”

“…This is not an act; it’s the natural way of speaking for a martial artist.”

“If you’re going to have a persona, stick to it! You’re half-assing it and stirring up trouble!”

“…Just be quiet, please.”

Her voice gradually trailed off.

Meanwhile, I saw Hye-ji’s eyes flicker.

It’s okay, Hye-ji.

You already broke character.

The old fart, having regained her composure, suddenly shoved an application form into my hands.

“Anyway, this one has already prepared the application form for using the training grounds.”

“But I never agreed to this!”

“You just have to fill in your information and submit it.”

There was no escaping this now.

I had to accept reality.

“Ha… fine. See you at the training grounds.”

“If this one wins, you will kneel before this one and my sister and apologize for defiling her.”

“…If I win, you’ll do whatever I say, bitch.”

She sneered at me, looking down on me.

“Hmph. So you want to violate this one’s body now?”

“You bastard! Stop saying shit that belongs in a doujinshi!”

“No problem. This one won’t lose anyway.”

With that, she turned around and walked away.

“Now, submit the form quickly and get approval to use the training grounds.”

“Just get the hell out of here!”

She’s got big boobs, but her words were plain shitty.

Are they just bags full of spite?

At that moment, someone nudged me.

“Trash, explain yourself. Now.”

“…I really am the victim here, damn it.”

It was Hye-ji.

Her gaze was sharp and filled with disappointment.

I desperately explained the entire situation as quickly and concisely as possible.

It looked like I was desperately trying to justify myself to my girlfriend after she caught me with another woman.

Damn it.

I was the victim here!

After hearing everything, Hye-ji said with an exasperated sigh,

“Can’t you just lose on purpose? She looks annoying.”

“Are you crazy? Absolutely not.”

Surrender as a top laner?

Over my dead body.

“Plus, if I kneel and apologize, she’ll think it’s actually my fault.”

“It is your fault.”

“…Shut up.”

Hye-ji narrowed her eyes again.

“I can’t lose, for the sake of my reputation in the academy.”

“Your reputation is already rock bottom. You can’t go any lower.”

“My coin keeps crashing even below rock bottom, damn it.”

“……”

She looked at me as if wondering how someone like me hadn’t gone extinct yet.

She tapped the application form with her finger and said,

“So what are you going to do? Submit it right now?”

“She probably wrote down what ability she’ll use in the ‘Weapon and Combat Tools’ section. Let’s check that first.”

“Ooh~. You’re using your brain~.”

“Stop trying to act cute now. It’s too late.”

“…Damn it.”

Except for the section for my information, everything on the application form was filled out.

The participant information even included details about the old fart I had met earlier.

‘I wonder if she wrote down her measurements. I guess it’s not relevant for Hye-ji.’

Whack.

Hye-ji suddenly chopped me in the neck.

“…Why?”

“You were thinking something impure.”

According to the information I gathered, the old fart’s name was Jung Ah-yeon.

Her rank was Silver, surprisingly.

I thought she was just a Bronze-tier scrub.

But Jung Ah-yeon?

Her name sounds like a goddamn aphrodisiac.

The “Weapon and Combat Tools” section was empty.

Finally, I looked at her ability. It was trickier than I expected.

It said she could create summons.

Using summons to fight feels like cheating.

Let’s settle this with fists, like true martial artists.

Despite my thoughts, her ability was definitely tricky.

She only specified the range, not the number of summons.

‘She’s probably planning to summon them within a specific area.’

As I considered how to counter her, I started filling out the necessary information.

Hye-ji watched me write and asked casually,

“Shinwoo, you’re not filling out the weapon section?”

“I’ll think about it and fill it out on my way to submit the form.”

“Alright, let me know if you need anything.”

“Really?”

I distinctly remember you telling me to let you know if I needed anything.

Don’t regret this.

“Thanks in advance.”

“You can thank me later.”

“Okay, thanks.”

She waved her hand dismissively and left the classroom.

I went to the training grounds management office and submitted the application form.

Once it was approved, I would receive a notification on my registered contact number, just like when Hye-ji and I submitted our forms earlier.

Unlike before, I filled out the “Weapon and Combat Tools” section right before submitting it.

Hye-ji.

Thank you.

As soon as all classes were over, I found Hye-ji and said,

“Hye-ji, remember the ‘Weapon and Combat Tools’ section? Can you help me with that?”

“Sure~. Anything for you~. Where do we need to go~?”

“Training Ground 3.”

“Got it~. I’ll go ahead~.”

After Hye-ji left, I stopped by another location before heading to the training grounds.

I picked up an item I thought would be useful.

I couldn’t ask Hye-ji for it, and it was an object with great significance to me, so I felt it was right to bring it myself.

The preparations were complete.

It was time to execute the old fart.

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When I arrived at the training grounds, Jung Ah-yeon was already there.

On the opposite side, Hye-ji was standing with the strict-looking female professor who was observing the duel.

Her green hair was still tied back, and she was still wearing glasses.

However, she was dressed in a tracksuit instead of her usual formal attire.

Her name was Park Mi-ran, and she didn’t look very happy.

Why were there so many people here?

Did someone spread the word?

My duel had already been reported in the school newspaper.

But I was still unaware of this fact, so I just wondered why there were so many spectators.

‘Judging by their IDs, almost all the first-year Iron- and Silver-tiers are here.’

There were even some second-years present.

They were all wearing martial arts uniforms.

I had a hunch.

These guys were old farts too.

After surveying the crowd, I walked towards Hye-ji.

Hye-ji waved at me, and Professor Mi-ran sighed deeply before asking me a question. Hye-ji immediately chimed in.

“You’re Shinwoo, right? Are you sure you filled this out correctly?”

“Did Shinwoo make a mistake~?”

“Well, the ‘Weapon and Combat Tools’ section lists your name…”

“Shinwoo’s name~? Shinwoo, you need to be more careful~. This isn’t the first time you’ve done this~.”

Hye-ji chided me with a smile.

“No, I meant you Kim Hye-ji.”

“…You little shit, Shinwoo.”

Hye-ji’s smile vanished.

Her eyes were filled with murderous intent.

The number above her head went up by one, and she grabbed me by the collar.

“Wait, I can explain.”

“Don’t even bother, you bastard. I already know what you’re going to say.”

Even though she knew what I was about to say through regression, I couldn’t back down now.

The protagonist’s pride was at stake.

“No, wait a minute. I’m going to use all the weapons you make.”

“Then write down the weapons! Why is my name there?”

“There wasn’t enough space to list all the weapon types, so I wrote your name.”

A murderous aura started emanating from her small frame.

“…What’s the real reason?”

“Supporters are tools, so I wrote that.”

Her murderous intent exploded.

“You bastard! I told you I’d kill you if you call me a tool again!!!”

“I’m sorry. We already got approval, so let’s just fight together. As a tool.”

“You son of a bitch!!!!!!!”

Hye-ji materialized a monkey wrench and started hitting my left arm.

As she kept whacking me with loud clangs, Professor Mi-ran said,

“Shinwoo, come see me after this. That was a discriminatory remark.”

“I know, but professor, please stop her! Ouch!!”

“Hye-ji, save the beating for after the duel. I’ll join you then.”

“Yes, professor. We can beat him up together.”

And she continued to pummel me.

“Come on, let’s be reasonable and stop hitting.”

“You deserve more. Just die.”

Professor Mi-ran covered her eyes with her hand, sighing deeply.

“Why am I the one who gave final approval… ha…”

“Just cancel it, professor. Let’s all go down together.”

“…I’ll personally deal with you later, Shinwoo.”

Hye-ji stopped her merciless assault and said to Professor Mi-ran,

“Let’s just go ahead~. It’s not like you have a choice, professor~.”

“Thank you so much, Hye-ji. Would you like to have coffee with me later and talk about your future career path?”

“I’m not interested in becoming a research student.”

“…Smart girl.”

Professor Mi-ran turned to Jung Ah-yeon and asked,

“Ah-yeon, are you okay with this? You’ll have to fight two opponents now.”

“This one doesn’t mind. It makes no difference if there’s one more insignificant worm.”

“Alright, then let’s proceed.”

She really shouldn’t be saying that when Hye-ji was already pissed off.

Was she not worried about her future at all?

The number above Hye-ji’s head increased again.

“You should be worrying about your own future, you bitch!!!”

“Mine’s already bleak beyond hope.”

Hye-ji sighed deeply, placed the monkey wrench on her shoulder, and glared at Jung Ah-yeon.

“But I’m even more pissed that she called both of us insignificant worms.”

“You’re mad because you’re grouped with me? You’re an ability discriminator too!”

As expected, you too were a descendant of the KKK, Hye-ji.

“I get why she’d insult you, but me? If I had a rank, I’d be Silver at the very least.”

“Yeah, yeah. Typical Iron-tier talk~.”

Hye-ji whacked me on the head with the monkey wrench.

The wrench bent with a loud clang.

“…Hey, why did it bend?”

“I don’t know.”

She tossed the useless wrench aside with an exasperated look.

She dusted her hands and said,

“Anyway, I’m going to crush her.”

“Yeah, I’m not planning on losing either. Let’s go, tool!”

“I’ll seriously kill you if you call me a tool again!!! You bastard!!!”

This time, she kicked me in the shin.

That actually hurt.

Hye-ji and I, fully prepared, faced Jung Ah-yeon.

Right on cue, Professor Mi-ran activated the training ground system.

“Is your childish playtime over?”

“Playtime, my ass. I’m getting beaten up with a wrench, what playtime?”

“To think that two insignificant worms wasted so much of this one’s time. Don’t you find it pathetic?”

She kept talking without listening to what we had to say, which was more pitiful than infuriating at this point.

“You seem mentally unstable. Want me to recommend a good hospital? I’ve been there.”

“Be quiet!!!”

Jung Ah-yeon finally responded, not wanting to be grouped with me.

Hye-ji looked at her with pity and said,

“She clearly has no friends. Don’t you think so, Shinwoo?”

“I don’t have any friends either.”

“…Sorry.”

For the first time, Hye-ji looked apologetic.

Jung Ah-yeon sneered at Hye-ji and said,

“For a man to wear a skirt. How pathetic.”

“Alright, that’s it. I’m going to kill her.”

Jung Ah-yeon’s cheap taunt fueled Hye-ji’s determination.

The training ground system finished its activation sequence.

Before the fight began, Hye-ji and I faced each other and said,

“Ready, tool?”

“Of course, idiot.”

It was time for the idiot and the tool to shine.

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