Is This a Novel or Something?…Everyone and Their Dog is Regressing, It’s Fucking Ridiculous – Chapter 39

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Translated By Arcane Translations
Translator: Mod7
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“Ugh, fuck.”

[Are you alright?!]

I coughed up blood and a curse, trying to get up.

But it was impossible.

Both arms were gone, my left leg below the hip was missing, and my abdomen was crushed.

My only remaining limb was my right leg.

I couldn’t even stand, just barely managing to sit up by pathetically dragging myself across the floor.

I saw the students in the distance.

But none of them seemed willing to help.

Their faces were a mixture of shock, surprise, and a hint of awe.

“Get up!”

“Seriously, who tells a three-quarters Auto-Takeda patient to get up?!”

The being before me, urging me to stand, was…

The Heavenly Demon.

He was smirking down at me, his aura overwhelming.

This absurd and unfair violence had started just a few hours ago.

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After we exchanged the traditional fist salute, the Heavenly Demon said,

“From this day forward, this one acknowledges Heavenly Michael Jackson as the true Heavenly Demon.”

His voice was clear and strong, despite his dark circles and haggard appearance.

Tears welled up in his eyes as he finished speaking.

It seemed he was deeply moved by Heavenly Michael Jackson.

“Then Heavenly Demon, please sign here.”

“Very well. This one will sign. Michael Jackson is the true Heavenly Demon.”

I quickly secured his Heavenly Demon HACCP certification.

He then turned to me.

“Although you are younger than this one, this one considers you his master for imparting such profound wisdom.”

“You flatter me. This one is grateful for your understanding!”

Everything was going smoothly.

Except…

“One must repay the favor of knowledge. So this one will now become your master.”

“…What?”

…for that last sentence.

Two reactions followed.

The students gasped in admiration. And Jung Ah-yeon looked at me with envy.

I thought I had misheard.

No.

I should have misheard.

“Master! What do you mean?!”

“Exactly as this one said. Although my master possesses enlightened wisdom, he is too weak to survive in this world.”

I had heard correctly.

The Heavenly Demon was throwing shade at Professor Pil-yong.

The professor retorted with a reasonable argument,

“Then what about your duties as a Hunter! Who will deal with the monsters without you, Heavenly Demon?!”

“What meaning is there in a world that relies solely on this one! Even without this one, they must learn to defend themselves against monsters!”

“But Master Ryu Kang-hyuk has retired, and if you retire too…”

“Don’t worry. The current Hunters are more than capable of handling most monsters. This one will step in only when absolutely necessary.”

“Ha… Let’s talk.”

Of course, his protests were ignored.

After some back and forth, they reached an agreement:

The Heavenly Demon would stay at the academy for two weeks and then return to his duties as a Hunter.

Naturally, my opinion wasn’t considered.

“Heavenly Demon, wait a minute. Why me?”

“I heard you blew off your left arm while attempting physical enhancement.”

“How the hell did you know that?”

“This one heard about it while investigating the one who defeated the martial artists.”

Not many people knew about me losing my arm.

Judging by how much he knew, he was definitely here to mess with me.

“You even defeated that… Maegal creature.”

“Oh, you knew about that too?”

“Indeed. Her Ten Thousand Pound Fall and powerful punches were impressive, but the words that came out of her mouth were… disturbing.”

[This one also finds it fascinating. How can a pig and a human possibly mate?]

‘It’s just another possibility of human evolution. A celebration of human potential, right?’

At least the Heavenly Demon had the right mindset.

He saw Maegal as a different species, not human.

And she definitely wasn’t human.

“But your skills are clearly lacking, so this one shall personally become your master.”

“I appreciate the offer, but I must respectfully decline. I can’t possibly hold you back.”

“It’s no trouble. This one will dedicate these two weeks to teaching you.”

He was surprisingly persistent.

I had a bad feeling about this.

“…Be honest, you just want to beat me up for talking back to you earlier, right?”

“…That’s absurd.”

He avoided my gaze.

I asked again,

“You’re not even slightly tempted to beat me up?”

“Not slightly. Quite a bit, actually.”

“Damn it.”

So, he was basically offering to be my master just so he could beat me up.

As soon as he finished speaking, he left the classroom.

Someone immediately ran up to me.

“Master! This is a golden opportunity!”

“No, damn it! I just want to defeat low-level mobs and live a peaceful life!”

It was Jung Ah-yeon.

She looked at me with envy and said,

“A special training session with the Heavenly Demon! You’ve achieved the dream of all martial artists!”

“Dream, my ass! I think he’s going to kill me.”

“This one is so jealous and envious! I wish I had such an opportunity!”

“…Are you even listening to me?”

It seemed like she wasn’t listening at all.

She was staring blankly into space, lost in her own delusions.

Meanwhile, Hye-ji expressed her concern.

“Shinwoo, do you think you can win? Do you want me to make you those fire punches?”

“I’ll try my best. He’s still human, after all.”

I couldn’t avoid this.

And I had defeated a Gold-tier before.

Hunters were all the same, after all.

I figured I could handle him with physical enhancement.

[This one has a bad feeling about this.]

‘I’m going in. Just you wait. The Human Butcher, Kim Shinwoo, is coming.’

But…

A short while later…

I realized that I was completely wrong.

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The Heavenly Demon entered the training ground as soon as the practical session began.

The students who were fighting monsters stopped what they were doing and became spectators as soon as they saw him.

And there were a lot of them.

Students from other tiers, second and third-years, even professors had come to watch.

As I was struggling to figure out how to use physical enhancement, the Heavenly Demon started walking towards me.

By the time I noticed him, he was already standing on the other side of the training grounds, waiting.

[It’s time to fight.]

‘Damn it, he’s really here.’

“Why is a professional player participating in a practice match?”

“Didn’t I tell you? This one is here to teach you.”

“Teach me, my ass. You’re here to beat me up.”

“…Just get started.”

He urged me to begin, as if he also acknowledged that this was just a one-sided beatdown.

Class wasn’t even over yet.

Running away wasn’t an option anymore.

I quietly prepared my weapons.

This time, I was equipped with a mace and gauntlets with bells attached.

It was a rather modest arsenal, considering I was fighting the Heavenly Demon.

“I’ll let you have the first move. Come at me!”

“That’s just being shameless.”

I lunged towards him, putting all my weight behind it.

The distance between us closed instantly.

I swung the mace downward, aiming for his head.

It felt like a powerful blow, enhanced by my momentum.

Clang!

But it didn’t seem to faze him.

It sounded like metal striking metal.

He just stood there, unmoving. I felt a slight tingling sensation in my right hand.

“Why are all their heads made of vibranium?”

[It’s coming!]

The Heavenly Demon smirked and threw a right punch.

Heeding the voice in my head, I pulled the mace back and twisted my body to the right.

Whoosh!

His fist landed where I had been a moment ago.

A few seconds later, a shockwave erupted.

It was a powerful blow.

I braced myself to avoid being knocked back and stomped on his bent left thigh with my right foot.

He immediately tried to punch me with his left hand.

[That’s dangerous too!]

‘Are all his attacks one-hit KOs?!’

Using my right foot as a springboard, I grabbed his shoulder with my left hand and leaped into the air, doing a backflip.

His fist grazed my head.

I felt a chill run down my spine as the wind pressure swept past.

‘Damn, if it weren’t for my enhanced stats, I wouldn’t have dodged that.’

Using the momentum from the backflip, I swung the mace downward again, this time aiming for the top of his head.

Clang!!!!!!!

The metallic clang was louder this time.

And the mace shattered into pieces.

He, of course, was completely fine.

As my body lurched forward in mid-air, our eyes met.

“You’re like a rat.”

“I’m screwed.”

I dropped the broken mace handle and grabbed his abundant hair with my left hand.

I pulled myself towards him, using his hair as a rope.

I was basically swinging from his head.

A look of surprise appeared on his face.

“Hey! Hold on! My hair!”

At that moment, the number above his head increased, and a shard appeared.

I immediately looked into it to see the future he had experienced before regressing.

It was a short glimpse.

“I” kneed him in the temple.

And then punched him.

And finally pulled out a chunk of his hair with my left hand.

I snapped back to reality and pulled on his hair, just like I saw in the shard.

I was pulled closer to his head.

Then, I recalled the knee strike to the temple from the future.

His head was so durable that it wasn’t even scratched by the mace.

But my knee strike in the future was effective.

That led me to one conclusion.

‘I must have used physical enhancement.’

I had nothing to lose.

I attempted physical enhancement, something I had never successfully done before.

My target: my right leg.

I carefully channeled the viscous substance in my heart.

As if creating a small stream.

I felt the fluid flowing down my leg, reaching the tips of my toes.

Then, I circulated it back to my heart.

I swiftly kneed him in the temple.

A short, but powerful blow.

‘Successful single pull! I’m a gacha god now!’

BAM!!!!!!!

A solid hit.

It felt different from before.

But I wasn’t satisfied yet.

I also punched him in the future I saw.

So, I started enhancing my right arm.

But there was a problem.

While I was channeling the mana…

BOOM!!!

“Motherfucker!”

My right elbow exploded.

I must have gotten too excited and lost control of the mana flow.

‘Yeah, right. Gacha god, my ass.’

[You’re not cut out for single pulls. You’re a pity puller.]

My follow-up attack failed.

I was falling back down.

The red number above his head increased.

The consequences of failure were severe.

He immediately punched me, seeing that my attack was interrupted.

BAM!!!!!

A direct hit to the abdomen.

The good news: my stomach wasn’t pierced.

The bad news: both my left arm and leg were ripped off.

My body was sent flying across the training grounds.

It was propelled with much greater force than the author had anticipated.

Thanks, Midori.

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And that’s how we get back to the beginning of this chapter.

The training ground system deactivated, and my limbs started regenerating.

But I was still sitting on the ground, unable to get up.

“Stop groveling! Get up and die like a man!”

“Damn, your body is way too tough.”

“Your flimsy metal can’t pierce this one’s protective qi.”

“…Are all martial artists using weird terms like that because of you?”

“…Shut up.”

The martial artists must have picked up those habits from him.

I reluctantly stood up. He looked like he was going to force me up if I didn’t.

He then muttered, lost in thought,

“But your movements… I’ve seen them somewhere before. They resemble someone this one despises.”

“Um… who?”

His face contorted into a scowl as he started grinding his teeth.

He truly was a Heavenly Demon.

The grinding sound echoed through the entire training grounds.

“That bastard, Ryu Kang-hyuk!!!”

“Do you also have a name for that? Like, ‘Heavenly Demon Teeth Grinding’?”

“Do you think every single thing this one does is related to the Heavenly Demon Divine Art?!”

“What the hell is the Heavenly Demon Divine Art anyway?!”

He glared at me.

I glared back and retorted,

“Isn’t it just some random martial art where you attach ‘Heavenly Demon’ to everything you do, whether it’s throwing a punch or taking a breath?!”

“Shut up!!!!”

He roared, his voice echoing through the training grounds.

But he was still fuming, unable to let it go.

“And those female Heavenly Demons!!! And those who attach ‘Heavenly Demon’ to every little thing!! This world has gone mad!!!”

“But there’s at least one technique unique to female Heavenly Demons.”

“What technique?”

He crossed his arms and glared at me, as if daring me to say it.

I proudly declared the female Heavenly Demon’s signature technique,

“Heavenly Demon Sperm Extraction.”

“I’m going to kill you.”

[You’re screwed.]

He immediately reactivated the training ground system and threw a punch at me.

[Why do you keep provoking him?!]

‘I can’t call it a “male Heavenly Demon technique,” can I?’

If a man really wants to use it…

I recommend the J-platform.

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The “J-platform” isn’t a real, specific platform. It’s used in the webnovel as a euphemism or slang for platforms or communities that feature explicit or adult content, particularly those with a focus on male homosexual relationships (yaoi or BL). The “J” likely alludes to “Japan,” as such content is often associated with Japanese media and platforms.