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Is This a Novel or Something?…Everyone and Their Dog is Regressing, It’s Fucking Ridiculous – Chapter 25

.。.:✧ vs. Sign Here! Elf! ✧:.。.

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Translated By Arcane Translations
Translator: Mod7
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“This stings like hell.”

“Just hold still.”

“Heal me already.”

“I have to disinfect it first.”

I was getting my left eye treated at the infirmary after Lucian cut it.

Sister Ye-rim disinfected the wound and then used her healing ability.

Of course, all it did was accelerate the natural healing process.

Still, I was grateful I didn’t need stitches.

“It’s a deep cut. I can’t erase the scar completely.”

“It’s fine. Scars on the left eye are a symbol of coolness.”

“Why don’t you just get a prosthetic arm while you’re at it?”

Scars and prosthetics?

No man could resist that.

“How much of my arm do I have to cut off to get one?”

“You’re crazy.”

As soon as I left the infirmary, I headed towards the training grounds where Hye-ji was taking her midterm practical.

Thankfully, I wasn’t late.

They were still facing each other.

I spotted Kyouko nearby and took a seat next to her.

“Ah, it’s Maneki-neko-chan desu.”

“Did you make a lot of money?”

“Watashi, going to Mars now wwwww”

“You can’t go with Dogecoin, just so you know.”

“Eh? Honto? Did Shiba Inu deceive watashi?”

Dogecoin, no. Just no. Damn it.

I bought in at 600, you bastards.

“Instead of investing in those shitcoins, you should save up for college tuition.”

“Then, watashi, will go to art school wwwwww”

That sent a chill down my spine.

I was suddenly reminded of someone.

“…Kyouko? If you don’t get into art school, please don’t do anything drastic, okay?”

“Shinwoo-chan, you always say such weird things wwwww. Atashi won’t commit seppuku even if I fail wwwww”

I don’t care about seppuku.

But please don’t become the Führer.

If World War III breaks out, I’ll be drafted.

“Kyouko, if you become the Führer, please grant me and Hye-ji honorary Aryan citizenship.”

“I don’t understand wwwww But I’ll take care of you and Hye-ji-chan, I promise wwwww”

That’s a relief.

Hye-ji and Jung Ah-yeon’s fight began.

Previously, Hye-ji’s main combat style involved bullets, hammers, and pure physical force.

But not anymore.

She was a monster now.

She materialized everything from white phosphorus bombs to various chemical weapons I had never seen or heard of, as if to say “screw the arms control treaty.”

If the UN had been watching, you’d be screwed, Hye-ji.

This was a clear violation of international law.

Of course, Jung Ah-yeon had also improved.

As we had seen before, instead of relying on overwhelming numbers, she started applying pressure with a limited number of summons.

She restricted her opponent’s movements, then summoned the slime for a finishing blow.

But her opponent was a bad match.

It was Hye-ji, who had grown stronger than ever.

Explosions, gunpowder, chemical warfare.

There was no stopping Hye-ji, armed with humanity’s most cruel weapons.

“Allahu Akbar!!!”

FWOOSH!!!!

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

KABOOM!!!

Slime or not, it was just a mere insect before overwhelming power.

As expected, only bullets and explosives bring us peace.

The result was obvious.

Hye-ji won, effortlessly.

Kyouko chuckled and commented,

“That one’s just a fake martial artist wwwwwwwwwwww”

Jung Ah-yeon, who heard Kyouko’s remark, collapsed on the spot.

It was strange, though.

Her outfit and mannerisms seemed to be imitating a martial artist, but…

‘She’s just a one-trick summoner.’

Her ability usage was completely different from a typical martial artist.

I saw Hye-ji walking towards us.

Kyouko and I welcomed her, celebrating her “silver homecoming.”

A “golden homecoming” felt a bit excessive for defeating a weakling.

As soon as she arrived, she pointed at my eye.

“Shinwoo, why is your eye also fucked up?”

“What do you mean ‘also’? Only my eye is fucked up.”

“???”

“???”

“This guy www his entire face is fucked up wwwww”

As we exchanged our usual cold-hearted barbs, Kyouko landed a critical hit.

Annoyed, I smacked her on the head.

“Shinwoo-chan! You should not hit women!!!”

“Gender equality. Brother Deadpool told me to do it.”

She frantically rubbed her head.

She was overreacting, considering I didn’t even hit her that hard, so I considered smacking her again.

Meanwhile, Hye-ji spoke to me,

“So, what are you going to do now, Shinwoo?”

“Hye-ji, remember the pact I made with that pointy-eared bastard?”

Her face hardened instantly.

She glared at me.

“You said it wasn’t about restraining him from approaching me. I don’t care.”

“No, this is part of a bigger plan, just hear me out.”

“I don’t want to hear it. Get lost.”

“This is driving me crazy.”

She refused to listen to me.

And then she delivered the final blow.

“You always do this.”

“Damn it.”

She knew exactly where it hurt.

She had been excited during her fight with Jung Ah-yeon, but now she was treating me coldly.

She seemed genuinely annoyed.

‘What’s wrong with you? You’re scaring me.’

We eventually returned to the dorms.

I had to prepare for Lucian’s downfall.

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As I mentioned before, the representative selection for the World Tree Communion would be held at the academy this year.

It was an exceptional case, considering it usually took place in another dimension.

You might not remember this.

That’s understandable.

Even I forget sometimes.

Just reread Chapter 20 if you need a refresher.

I’ll do the same.

Anyway.

The campaign period started after the midterms, beginning with the candidates’ opening speeches.

A two-week campaign period.

And on the last day, a vote would be held to select the representative who would commune with the World Tree.

It was an important event for the elves, so they came from all over to participate, regardless of age or tribe.

This applied to the academy where the voting was taking place as well.

Elves started arriving a few days before the opening speeches.

Of course, the academy had a somewhat closed-off nature, so security was tight.

Visitors wouldn’t be issued a temporary pass if they didn’t fill out the application form with accurate information.

This inevitably led to friction between the security personnel and the visiting elves.

“Sir, please write your address using the official road name address system. Writing ‘Fourth house to the right of the Great Ash Tree’ doesn’t tell us your exact location.”

“How dare you insult the traditional elf way of describing an address!!!”

“Ma’am, you need to write down your occupation! You can’t write ‘Second daughter-in-law’s mother-in-law from the Red Stump Tribe’!”

“For a High Elf tribe, familial relations are enough to be considered an occupation! You ignorant fools!”

It was mainly the older, stubborn elves who caused problems.

The younger elves weren’t as bad, but…

“You wrote down your age as 15. Is this correct?”

“I came with my daughter, I mean my younger sister, but I can’t find her, so I came to register by myself.”

“You wrote down ‘Spirit Master’ as your occupation, but please change it to ‘unemployed.’ That occupation isn’t registered in our system.”

“…Can I write ‘freelancer’ instead?”

They weren’t completely problem-free either.

Anyway, the conflicts between the security personnel and the elves kept increasing.

The security personnel had a simple and unwavering reason: they couldn’t allow unidentified individuals inside.

The elves, on the other hand, were unfamiliar with such strict procedures, as it was rare for them to visit other dimensions in such large numbers.

And their pride as long-lived species made them even more stubborn and unreasonable.

Looking at it objectively, the academy security personnel were right.

But the world doesn’t always operate rationally.

When even the High Elves started causing a fuss, the higher-ups at the academy ordered them to let all elves through.

Now, every pointy-eared bastard was allowed to enter.

There was nothing they could do.

No matter how strict the academy’s security measures were, when the higher-ups said “Let them in,” they had to comply.

Of course, if any problems arose, the responsibility would fall on those who allowed the elves inside.

The suffering caused by stupid higher-ups always fell upon the innocent.

This academy was truly Korean, and truly idiotic.

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Lucian was waiting for Kim Shinwoo.

Tomorrow was the day of the opening speeches for the World Tree Communion representative candidates.

It was a significant and meaningful day for Lucian, who was running for the position.

But that wasn’t what occupied his thoughts right now.

‘How did he suddenly become so strong?’

He had confirmed that Kim Shinwoo was a non-ability user.

His fighting technique was impressive, but he hadn’t shown any special abilities during their duel.

Kim Shinwoo should have been on the verge of death.

That’s how it should have ended.

But somehow, he had managed to turn the tables at the very last moment.

*’He must have cheated. I will expose his trickery.’ *

A cold wind blew across the wasteland that was once his glorious head of hair.

He felt a chill, both physically and emotionally.

It would be better to cover it up, but his pride as a High Elf wouldn’t allow it.

He gently touched his head, and to his dismay, there was no trace of his golden locks.

He suddenly thought of his wives.

He had forbidden them from coming near him until his hair grew back, and his heart sank.

But his melancholy was interrupted.

Kim Shinwoo finally arrived.

He immediately handed him a folded piece of paper.

“What’s this, short-lived one?”

“It’s time to fulfill your pact, pointy-ears.”

“What is this piece of scrap paper supposed to be?”

“It’s the speech you’re going to deliver tomorrow during the candidate opening statements.”

This was ridiculous.

He had fought tooth and nail just for this?

He couldn’t help but scoff.

“How laughable! You challenged this one for a mere piece of paper?”

“Read the paper during your speech tomorrow and say exactly what’s written on it.”

“Are you taking orders from another elf to sabotage me?”

“No, I’m doing this because you’re a pain in the ass. If you don’t do it, you’ll lose your head, as per the pact.”

This was pathetic.

A few words couldn’t possibly change the outcome.

Nothing could stop him from becoming the World Tree Communion representative.

“How amusing! Even if you try to sabotage me, this one will still become the representative!”

“Whatever. See you later, pointy-ears.”

“Get out of here!”

Kim Shinwoo delivered his message and then left.

Lucian didn’t mind.

He had no more business outside, so he returned to his dorm.

He then thought about the other candidates.

‘I won’t allow a half-breed to become the representative, no matter what!’

It was a shame he couldn’t have Hye-ji as his wife, but the title of World Tree Communion representative would be his.

He firmly believed this.

Unaware of what the future held.

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The day of the opening speeches.

It was a day of celebration for the students.

All classes were canceled.

Of course, freedom came with a price.

But it was a small price to pay.

They just had to attend the candidate opening statements in the morning.

And now…

The venue was packed with students and elves, buzzing with excitement.

Normally, you’d expect some kind of commotion to break out, but that wasn’t the case.

The students were eager to enjoy their promised day off, so they had to behave themselves.

And for the elves, it was a momentous occasion.

Both groups valued this day for their own reasons.

There was no reason for a major conflict to arise.

Meanwhile, Hye-ji, Kyouko, and I had already secured front-row seats.

We weren’t there because we were interested in the speeches.

We just wanted to make sure that Lucian fulfilled his end of the pact.

“Shinwoo-chan! Why are we sitting in the front row with all the erufus?!”

“Shinwoo, do we really need to be here? And what’s with the chainsaw?”

“I have to make sure he follows through with the pact. This is insurance.”

If he tries to run, I will personally chop off his head.

That was my resolve.

Suddenly, a loud voice boomed through the speakers.

“We shall nowwwww begin the candidate opening statementsssss!!!!”

After the emcee finished speaking, the lights dimmed.

Darkness enveloped the venue.

The crowd’s murmurs slowly subsided.

Then, a single spotlight shone on the podium.

“The first candidate to speak is number one! The eldest son of the Pond Leaf Tribe, Lucianer!!!”

Lucian slowly walked onto the stage.

His appearance was comical, with his missing hair. But his gait was different.

It was a glimpse into the pride and confidence of a High Elf.

He finally reached the podium.

He looked around and then smiled confidently.

He probably thought he had already won.

But as he unfolded the paper I gave him…

His expression turned lifeless.

His eyes darted around frantically, losing focus.

Cold sweat trickled down his face, even though it wasn’t hot.

His breathing became erratic from the sudden shock.

His lips trembled as he struggled to speak, and our eyes met.

I grinned menacingly and revved the chainsaw I was holding in my left hand.

With my right hand, I made a throat-slitting gesture.

It was a silent message.

[Your head is mine.]

Meanwhile, the crowd started to murmur.

Lucian, who had been so confident just moments ago, was now standing there like a malfunctioning robot.

The emcee, unable to delay any longer, urged him on,

“Candidate Lucian! Please proceed with your opening statement!”

“Ah, yes.”

He had no choice.

He crumpled the paper in his trembling hand.

And then, he finally spoke.

“My fellow elves, I have only one thing to say today.

The Pond Leaf Tribe, no, all elves are united in this message.

These are the shared sentiments of all elves.”

At that moment, someone shouted,

“It’s true! Master Lucian’s words are the shared sentiments of all elves gathered here!”

“””It’s true!!!”””

“Quiet down back there!”

It seemed to be Lucian’s supporters.

After the brief commotion subsided, everyone waited for him to continue.

Tears welled up in his eyes.

He was regretting his greed.

But a pact is a pact.

Someone had to fulfill their end of the bargain.

After a long silence, he finally spoke,

“Th-the World Tree… is just a big tree.”

As soon as he finished his sentence, he fled the podium.

His shocking statement was met with stunned silence, not cheers.

But the silence didn’t last long.

The elves’ angry shouts quickly drowned it out.

This was the chaos I was hoping for.

Elves, this isn’t a festival.

It’s your funeral.

You bastards.

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[Translator Notes]
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Is This a Novel or Something?…Everyone and Their Dog is Regressing, It’s Fucking Ridiculous

Is This a Novel or Something?…Everyone and Their Dog is Regressing, It’s Fucking Ridiculous

Score 9.7
Status: Ongoing Type: Author: Artist: Released: 2021 Native Language: Korean
Hey, all of us who CAN'T regress, how about we hit that like button? I'll go first!

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Oriedroc
Oriedroc
17 days ago

A good elf is a dead elf

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