Is This a Novel or Something?…Everyone and Their Dog is Regressing, It’s Fucking Ridiculous – Chapter 18

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Translated By Arcane Translations
Translator: Mod7
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I originally planned to include this in Chapter 2.

But that would have resulted in a wall of text starting from the second chapter.

No, it would have been the Great Wall of China.

So, I’d like to briefly touch upon this now.

As mentioned before, there are two main types of Gates.

Gates that lead to other locations and monster Gates that spawn monsters.

These Gates can be further categorized into two types:

Randomly occurring Gates.

And fixed Gates that allow travel to designated coordinates.

Currently, only monster Gates appear randomly.

This is one of the main reasons why South Korea, despite its strong military power, was overwhelmed by monsters in the past.

There is no greater threat than an enemy that can launch surprise attacks from unpredictable locations.

Especially when they can do it endlessly.

However, things have changed now.

Random Gates emit a unique wavelength about 20 minutes before appearing.

This characteristic is crucial.

Government-affiliated ability users who can detect this wavelength identify the location and report it through communication channels.

This marked the turning point in the fight against monsters.

Fixed Gates that utilize coordinates operate differently.

They are temporary Gates created by a select few individuals who can manipulate mana to designate coordinates.

These individuals are, of course, rare.

They shed their former nickname “Irasshaimase!” and now proudly call themselves “Gate Creation Ability Users.”

This wasn’t so bad.

They were registered with the government and deployed as needed.

But as they say, human greed knows no bounds.

Gate Creation Ability Users started to go on strike frequently, without warning, at crucial moments.

Of course, this was solely for their personal gain.

There was a post on an anonymous online community for Gate Creation Ability Users:

– CarGate5: How about we stop providing Gate services for just one week? Maybe then, the government will come to its senses.

– Can’tAbandonGates: Opening Gates is hard work! Not only do they not appreciate us, they won’t even let us watch YouTube while we’re doing it!

– HOXY: If you don’t like it, make your own Gates, you idiots.

ㄴ ㅇㅇ(61.110.219.59): Challenge accepted. I’m going to do it. Just you wait.

And so, they actually did it.

They say the most terrifying Korean government is a hardworking Korean government.

The government mobilized engineers nationwide, forcing them to thoroughly analyze the existing fixed Gates.

The result was the Artificial Gate, a device that anyone could use.

Unlike the previous Gates, anyone with mana could designate coordinates using the Artificial Gate.

The government had effectively gained control over Gate Creation Ability Users.

Of course, it didn’t end there.

Artificial Gates were widely distributed throughout the country.

By the time the government came to its senses, they were more common than Lotteria restaurants.

Gate Creation Ability Users started to lose their jobs.

And the final blow?

A swift legal amendment banned the indiscriminate use of their abilities.

They were then forced to work as government employees with even worse treatment than level 9 civil servants.

Those who refused had their bank accounts frozen.

And those deemed at risk of fleeing were imprisoned.

This all happened within a few months.

Why am I suddenly bringing this up?

Because a Gate just materialized in the middle of the training grounds.

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Midterms.

That dreaded word that haunted students everywhere.

Even academies weren’t immune.

Unlike other years, first-years also had to take a written theory exam.

The ratio was roughly 2:8 in favor of practicals.

‘They cram so much theory into us, yet it barely counts towards our grades.’

But we still had two weeks until the exam.

Plenty of time.

After all, midterms are meant to be studied for the day before.

So, I was engaging in my usual practical training.

My opponent was, of course, Professor Pil-yong.

“Kim, try dodging a little better!”

“Professor, your conscience is as nonexistent as your hair.”

“You little shit!”

At that moment, something unexpected happened.

The space in the center of the training grounds started to shimmer and distort, as if a mirage was forming.

Then, a giant blue Gate materialized.

Everyone reacted in the same way.

They checked their phones for an emergency alert.

But there was none.

‘Someone used coordinates to open it.’

There were no Artificial Gates here.

So who would have specified coordinates and opened a Gate here?

It was either an inspector who came to shut the academy down, or someone high up who was bored and decided to watch.

But I doubted this place was worth their time.

We were just a bunch of Iron and Silver-tier scrubs.

Maybe they came to enjoy a show put on by low-tier students.

‘Well, noob fights are entertaining, I guess.’

A giant figure emerged from the Gate.

It was about four meters tall and eight meters long.

Pure white fur, a silver mane and tail that shimmered in the light, piercing blue eyes that radiated power.

And a single, sharp horn adorned with tiny scars.

Yes.

It was a unicorn.

The appearance of the unicorn rendered everyone speechless.

Perhaps they were silenced by the aura that emanated from the creature.

Everyone was simply staring at it, their gazes fixed.

I was no different.

Except…

‘Damn it, even a horse can regress, and I can’t.’

My eyes were locked on the unicorn’s head.

To be precise, on the numbers above its head.

The numbers that proved it could regress.

The unicorn, oblivious to my inner turmoil, tilted its head slightly.

It seemed confused.

Then, I heard a telepathic voice.

[I was sure I entered the coordinates correctly.]

Another unicorn dashed out of the Gate.

It was smaller, and its mane and tail were more white than silver.

But it was definitely a unicorn.

It panted heavily and spoke telepathically to the first unicorn.

[Great Unicorn! I apologize! The coordinates were incorrect!]

[You’ve never made a mistake before. What happened?]

[There was a problem when calculating the spatial distance as described by the pointy ear… I mean the elves, however there was a problem with the coordinates.]

[What kind of problem?]

The Great Unicorn showed a slight mix of curiosity and confusion on its face.

The question of why there was a failure.

And curiosity about the fact that someone who had never made a mistake did so now.

The unicorn, with a slightly gloomy expression, conveyed the message.

[They gave us the wrong units for the spatial distance. They were in yards instead of meters.]

[Ah, I see. That’s unfortunate. Return quickly then.]

With that, their conversation ended.

Perhaps he had been too focused on their conversation, or maybe he hadn’t noticed because of the unexpected interruption.

The Great Unicorn finally realized there were people around.

As if wanting to take in the sight before leaving, he slowly turned his head and looked around.

But then…

The number above his head increased by one.

‘What did he see to make him regress?’

The Great Unicorn’s demeanor changed abruptly.

His calm, gentle expression vanished. He started trembling and breathing heavily.

As I was trying to process the sudden change…

He vanished.

“Kyaaa!!!”

“Uwaaa!!!”

Screams filled the air as soon as the Great Unicorn disappeared.

They came from the other end of the training grounds, where students were sparring.

Two students, a male and a female, were impaled on the Great Unicorn’s horn.

He casually flicked them off his horn, as if it were nothing.

Everyone finally turned their attention to the Great Unicorn.

Their gazes weren’t following his movements anymore.

They only reacted after hearing the screams.

As fear and shock spread through the crowd, the Great Unicorn roared telepathically, his eyes bloodshot,

[Brothers!!!!!! Cleanse this vile, filthy place!!!!!!]

The Gate started to shimmer even more intensely than before.

Smaller unicorns poured out of it, one after another.

A whole army of unicorns.

They were smaller than the Great Unicorn, but their reactions were similar.

Just like their leader, they trembled and panted heavily.

The Great Unicorn roared,

[Cleanse this place with your Virgin Slayer horns!!!!]

[[[[[[[[Cleanse it!!!!]]]]]]]]

All the unicorns scattered throughout the training grounds.

They weren’t as fast as the Great Unicorn.

But their speed was still overwhelming for those watching.

The peaceful training ground descended into chaos.

[Repent, you who have not treasured virginity!]

[Lost your virginity? We’ll take your head too!!!!!]

[This filthy place will only become more depraved! We will judge you before it gets worse!!!]

[A heroine’s virginity is more precious than life itself!!!]

It was an unexpected disaster.

The students were caught off guard, unable to fight back.

Their only option was to flee.

But many had already fallen victim to the unicorns’ horns.

“Help me!!!!! Why is this happening right after I lost my virginity two days ago!!”

“Hey, don’t blame me!!! You enjoyed it too!!! Ugh!!!”

“I’m innocent! My hymen regenerated with my body regeneration ability! Kyaaa!!!”

“Damn it! I’ve never even done it! What? You’re saying I’m not a virgin anymore? …What does that even mean?”

“Family annihilation!!! Techaaa!!”

“I only did it doggy style! I haven’t done it the normal way yet! Kyaaaa!!”

Blood splattered throughout the training grounds.

These wounds would heal once the training ground system deactivated.

But that didn’t mean there was no pain.

Many students fainted from the pain.

I heard there were incidents of people getting impaled in front of motels on Christmas Eve.

So these guys were the culprits.

Perhaps he still had some of his former Hunter instincts.

Professor Pil-yong was hurriedly evacuating the students.

He then faced the Great Unicorn, who was approaching him.

“Research student candidates! No, what are you doing to my students?!”

Countless icebergs materialized, blocking the Great Unicorn’s path.

At the same time, Professor Pil-yong created sharp ice shards in the air and launched them.

[You’re wasting your time!]

“Ugh!”

Just as the Great Unicorn said, it was a waste of time.

The ice shards struck him directly, but they didn’t even leave a scratch.

The Great Unicorn charged forward relentlessly, unfazed by the attack, and pierced Professor Pil-yong’s heart with his horn.

He let out a brief gasp before collapsing.

The Great Unicorn casually flicked him aside and turned his gaze to find his next target.

Our eyes met.

He started walking towards me, his eyes fixed on me.

‘Damn it, how am I supposed to deal with something I can’t even see?’

Unicorns were classified as “Caution” level in the government’s danger rating for registered creatures.

They were known to be extremely aggressive, and in combat, they fought with all their might, unafraid of injuries.

Until their very last breath.

Their ferocity was a double-edged sword.

Even if they perished, they could take a small nation down with them.

They were that relentless.

But there was a reason why they were only classified as “Caution” level.

They were intelligent beings capable of communication. Their attacks were straightforward and predictable.

And they could be incredibly friendly, even showering a select few with favors.

However…

‘That one’s definitely not on the same level as a regular unicorn.’

The Great Unicorn before me seemed to be an exception.

He was far too powerful to be merely “Caution” level.

He was approaching me.

He stopped in front of me and stared.

I felt uneasy under his intense gaze, so I glanced around.

Thankfully…

Professor Pil-yong’s quick actions had allowed many of the students to escape and take cover away from the training grounds.

*’Did Hye-ji manage to escape?’ *

Just as I wondered about her, I spotted her in the distance.

She was standing furthest away from the Gate, and it seemed the unicorns weren’t interested in her.

I felt a brief sense of relief.

But it didn’t last long.

I was surrounded by dozens of unicorns.

My hands, gripping the sword and shotgun, started trembling under their overwhelming presence.

‘Today’s special is horse meat, you bastards.’

I suppressed the rising fear and tried to calm myself down.

As soon as my hands stopped shaking, I was about to charge at them…

[Impossible… this is…]

The red number above the Great Unicorn’s head increased by one.

He lowered his head and knelt.

Not me, I’m talking about the Great Unicorn.

Confused, I thought,

*’What the? What’s happening?’ *

But the bizarre phenomenon didn’t stop there.

All the unicorns surrounding me started kneeling and lowering their heads.

Countless question marks filled my mind.

Then…

[Oh, noble soul.]

“…Huh?”

I heard the Great Unicorn’s telepathic voice.

It was gentle and soothing, completely devoid of the anger and hatred from before.

[Oh, one who possesses a radiant, pure white soul.]

“What?”

I was dumbfounded by his sudden words.

But what he said next was even more unbelievable.

[You are our king.]

[[[[[[[[You are our king!!!!!]]]]]]]]

“…What the fuck?”

The unicorns’ loud telepathic voices echoed throughout the training grounds.

The scene silenced everyone.

The murmuring students, the other professors who came to help, even the staff members.

Everyone was staring at me with confused expressions.

Stop staring, you bastards.

I’m the one who’s the most confused right now!

I stammered, unable to process the situation,

“What… are you… talking about?”

[You possess the most beautiful soul this old one has ever seen.]

“What did I do to deserve such praise?”

[This old one can see glimpses of a person’s life.]

His words were vague and confusing.

He raised his head and continued, his gaze fixed on me,

[And your life has been nothing but a radiant light.]

“…Mine?”

[You have lived a life devoid of any contact with women, a true saint.]

[[[[[[[[You are a saint!!!!!]]]]]]]]

“Damn it, hold on a second.”

This felt wrong.

I had to stop him before he said anything more.

“Stop it!”

But the Great Unicorn continued,

[The thorny path of chastity you chose in this dark world… this one was deeply moved by it.]

“I didn’t choose it, you bastards!!!!!!!!!”

The tension from earlier vanished, replaced by a rising sense of annoyance.

But the Great Unicorn, ignoring my outburst, continued,

[Such a noble soul is worthy of being… no, deserves to be our king!]

[[[[[[[[Please be our king!!!!!!]]]]]]]]

[Will you be the king of us unicorns? You are the God of Virginity itself!]

[[[[[[[[Oh, God!!!!!]]]]]]]]

“I didn’t ask for this! You goddamn sons of bitches!!!!!!!!”

There was nothing more frustrating than being lectured by someone you couldn’t beat.

And that was exactly my current situation.

Meanwhile, the students were looking at me with pity.

I wondered if Hye-ji was looking at me with the same pitying gaze.

‘…Why does she look happy? Hye-ji, this is a sad story, damn it.’

Her gaze was different.

The unicorns’ antics intensified.

[Although there has been contact with a woman recently, it was completely devoid of any impure intentions!]

[[[[[[[[[There were no impure intentions!!!!!]]]]]]]]

[Oh, King! Mount this old one and show everyone your majestic form!]

[[[[[[[[Show yourself!!!!!]]]]]]]]

“You’re just foals, why do you have bullshit as your passive skill?!”

Ignoring my shout, the Great Unicorn lowered his head, inviting me to climb on.

These bastards were crazy.

Insanely crazy.

I wanted to give up and go home.

Then, I felt a chilling gaze.

It was Hye-ji.

‘Stop staring… My heart can’t take it.’

I was so frustrated that I kicked the Great Unicorn in the head.

Or at least, I tried to.

My foot slipped, and I ended up straddling his head.

‘Seriously, nothing goes right for me.’

The Great Unicorn lifted his head, sliding me onto his back.

As he stood up, the other unicorns also started rising to their feet.

The training ground system deactivated, and the unconscious students slowly regained consciousness.

The first thing they saw was the unicorns that had effortlessly defeated them.

They gasped in fear, but then their fear turned into confusion.

Because they saw me sitting on the back of the Great Unicorn.

The Great Unicorn roared telepathically, drawing everyone’s attention,

[Behold, all you infidels!!!! From now on, he is the king of the unicorns!!!]

[[[[[[[[King of the unicorns!!!!]]]]]]]]

[And the God of Virginity!!!!]

[[[[[[[[God of Virginity!!!!]]]]]]]]

“Just shut up!!!!!!!!!!!”

The Great Unicorn glared at a nearby student with bloodshot eyes.

[I grant even you, an infidel, this privilege. Shout! King of the unicorns!]

“K-King… King of the unicorns…”

[Louder!!!!]

“King of the unicorns!!!!”

[God of Virginity!!!!]

“God of Virginity!!!!”

The Great Unicorn, with me on his back, reared up, his front hooves leaving the ground.

His hooves crashed back down, sending dust flying.

Before the dust settled, he started running around the training grounds, the other unicorns following close behind.

[Shout together!!!! King of the unicorns!!!!]

[[[[[[[[King of the unicorns!!!!!]]]]]]]]

“”””””King of the unicorns!!!!!””””””

[God of Virginity!!!!]

[[[[[[[[God of Virginity!!!!]]]]]]]]

“”””””God of Virginity!!!!””””””

“Just stop it, you crazy bastards.”

I hadn’t cried even when Old Man Kang-hyuk beat me up, but tears were streaming down my face.

Tears of sadness and despair.

But the Great Unicorn seemed to interpret it differently.

Seeing me cry, he raised his voice even louder.

[The king is moved!!!! Shout even louder!!!!!]

The merry-go-round continued for five minutes.

The chanting grew louder, and the tears streaming down my face only increased.

This was hell, pure hell.

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Immediately after the hellish unicorn parade ended…

The unicorns prepared to leave.

[Oh King, this old one and his foolish followers must now depart.]

“Just don’t come back here, ever.”

[Although this is a bleak and dark country, as long as the king of unicorns is here, its future will be bright.]

“Just get the hell out of here.”

[Farewell.]

[[[[[[[Farewell!!!!]]]]]]]]

“I said get out!!!!!!”

They wouldn’t listen, no matter what.

The unicorns finally left through the Gate they had created.

The teachers and staff members vanished like ghosts as soon as the situation ended.

All that remained were the students, Professor Pil-yong, and me.

Professor Pil-yong scratched his head and said,

“Don’t worry too much, Shinwoo. Someday-”

“I’m going home.”

“…Yes, go get some rest. I’ll inform the other professors about your absence.”

The tear stains on my face wouldn’t fade.

Fresh tears just flowed down the same path.

I kept crying all the way back to my dorm.

As a side note, a meeting between the Korean government and the unicorns was arranged shortly after.

It was quite surprising, considering how the unicorns had completely refused contact in the past.

But the surprises didn’t end there.

The unicorns, mentioning keywords like “King of the Unicorns” and “God of Virginity,” signed an incredibly favorable contract.

The first term of the contract was: ‘To protect South Korea, where the King of the Unicorns resides, to the best of their ability.’

The second term: ‘From December 24th to 26th, all unicorns will stay out of South Korea.’

The news spread like wildfire, and the academy awarded me a prize.

For my contribution to peace in South Korea.

The name of the award: “The Virgin Peace Prize.”

I went home that day too.

The academy-wide public shaming hurt too much.

My heart, that is.

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The day after the award ceremony.

The midterms were fast approaching.

I could feel the pressure mounting.

As soon as I entered the classroom, the students who spotted me started murmuring.

“Look, the King of the Unicorns has arrived.”

“He’s a god! The God of Virginity!”

I already wanted to kill them.

Then, someone asked a question,

“But why is he a virgin with that face?”

“Maybe he only goes after men?”

“Ah, so that’s why he made Hye-ji wear a skirt?”

“But I heard he also made Jung Ah-yeon wear a miniskirt maid outfit.”

Hye-ji’s expression darkened considerably.

It seemed one student was guaranteed to meet their maker later today.

As the students continued to gossip, someone offered a novel suggestion.

“Maybe he can’t get it up?”

“That could be it. He was naturally eliminated from the mating pool because he couldn’t perform.”

“So he was just teasing Jung Ah-yeon? Since he couldn’t actually do anything?”

“Can’t get it up but still wants to train his lover. Isn’t that pure love training?”

“Anyone who says I can’t get it up, meet me at the training grounds later.”

I silently memorized the faces of those I would be beating up later.

Then, a sudden wave of anger washed over me.

‘These bastards are having all the fun!’

You guys can regress, and you still get to have sex?

Life is so unfair.

I placed my hopes on Sex 2 coming out someday.

Hye-ji, sensing my approach, waved at me and said gently,

“Hi, Shinwoo. Or should I say, ‘God of Virginity’?”

“Please don’t call me that. I want to die.”

“You got a nickname before even becoming a Hunter. Congratulations.”

“Damn it.”

Hye-ji, who had been smiling cheerfully, suddenly frowned.

Then, a hint of anger appeared on her face.

“Shinwoo, were you not thinking straight?”

“About what?”

“Were you not feeling anything?”

Her gaze was sharp and piercing.

My heart already ached from being mocked for my virginity.

Her gaze felt like it was carving out a piece of my heart with each passing moment.

“…What are you talking about?”

“Do I really have to spell it out for you?”

“I think you should, if you want me to understand.”

“Forget it. It’s not important anymore. Just stop.”

“This is driving me crazy.”

She ended the conversation abruptly.

Then, she took out her phone and started calling someone.

I assumed it was her father.

She said she had been slowly reconnecting with him since our last conversation.

She even talked to him on the phone every three days now.

It was a stark contrast to their previous silence.

Their family dynamic was completely different from mine.

Whenever I tried to call my parents, all I heard was the roaming notification.

And even if I miraculously managed to connect with them, they’d immediately hang up.

‘Damn it, treat your son better.’

They were probably too busy making babies.

As I contemplated what to name my future sibling, Hye-ji spoke again,

“Shinwoo, there’s a new update about you on the school newspaper.”

“I’ve already reached enlightenment. Nothing can hurt me now.”

“Is that so? Take a look.”

She handed me her phone, which was displaying the school newspaper.

The top article was titled “Applaud.”

The content was simple.

It was a photo of me riding on the Great Unicorn’s back.

And a short caption below it:

– God of Virginity

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

‘Enlightenment, my ass. This rage fist hits hard.’

I’m going to beat up this shitty journalist after the midterms.

Seriously.

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