Is This a Novel or Something?…Everyone and Their Dog is Regressing, It’s Fucking Ridiculous – Chapter 1

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Translated By Arcane Translations
Translator: Mod7
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The first chapter is meant for background exposition.

It’s the unwritten rule of webnovels.

Anyway.

In South Korea, at an unspecified time, the world changed.

It all began with reports of strange buildings appearing out of nowhere all across the country.

There were no warnings, no signs.

These strange structures simply materialized, as if they had always been there.

But perhaps their presence warped people’s perception, because those who lived in the immediate vicinity had no idea when the buildings had appeared.

Or rather, they assumed they had always been there.

Thus, no one felt even a hint of discomfort.

Until someone pointed it out.

And it was none other than outsiders that pointed it out.

People who were visiting the area for the first time, or returning after a long absence.

Ironically, these people were unaware of similar buildings that had popped up in their own neighborhoods, yet they noticed and pointed out the ones in other regions.

Only then did people start to feel a sense of unease.

It was like that feeling you get when you realize that an object you’ve always had in your house was actually never brought in by anyone.

Something was wrong.

Why was this suddenly here?

And finally…

Fear.

When people are afraid, they cling to something.

A child to their parents, citizens to their rulers, the religious to their god.

And the people of South Korea clung to their nation.

Countless reports flooded in.

Truth be told, the number of these bizarre buildings wasn’t that high.

However, each building received multiple reports from numerous individuals in various locations.

As a result, government offices were inundated with reports, causing widespread paralysis.

If they had responded swiftly and identified the locations of these structures, things might have turned out differently.

However, as is typical of bureaucracies, if something wasn’t directly related to their department, they would simply pass it on or bury it.

Consequently, the identification of the buildings’ locations was “slightly” delayed.

It might seem unfair to call it “slightly” delayed.

That’s a valid point.

One could argue that, amidst all the chaos, they should be commended for doing as much as they did.

However, if the price paid for that delay is immense, then all the blame and responsibility tend to be directed towards those who are clearly at fault.

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The buildings varied in size, but they all shared a common feature.

They were square structures with a circular opening in the center, like a donut.

If you had to compare them to something, they resembled the Arc de Triomphe, but with thinner pillars.

Then one day, a blue light began to ripple within the circular openings of a few of these structures.

What emerged from them were beings straight out of fantasy.

Elves, dwarves, beast-kin, and more.

The appearance of these new beings caused an even greater stir than the discovery of the buildings themselves.

Initially, there were large and minor skirmishes, but like most things in life, it eventually led to negotiations and active exchange.

Later, it was confirmed that these structures were a kind of gate or passage connecting to other dimensions.

The government dubbed them “Gates,” and the creatures that emerged became a part of everyday life.

The National Institute of Korean Language initially suggested terms like “transfer gate” or “dimensional gate,” but they settled on “Gate” to avoid confusion with similar occurrences in other countries.

It wasn’t long before people became accustomed to this new reality.

And that was their downfall.

Intoxicated by the poison of familiarity, they forgot about the Gates that remained inactive.

And once again, without warning, the inactive Gates began to emit a red glow.

And what emerged from them…

Were beings far different from those they had encountered before.

Monsters that attacked humans indiscriminately, intent on destruction, and incapable of communication.

Their forms ranged from animalistic to indescribable, and their numbers were overwhelming.

These creatures are now known as “monsters” or “beasts.”

At first, it wasn’t so bad.

Firearms were effective, and the military was deployed for extermination in the early stages, achieving decent results.

After all, there’s no better target than a mindless, charging enemy.

But things gradually started to take a turn for the worse.

Monsters that specifically targeted civilians, avoiding the military.

Monsters that utilized the terrain for ambushes and picked off humans one by one.

Monsters that employed tactics similar to humans.

The emergence of intelligent monsters transformed what was supposed to be a simple extermination into a catastrophe that caused immense damage.

Only then did the government expedite the identification of the remaining Gates’ locations, but as mentioned before, they were “slightly” too late.

The damage was already beyond control.

In the end, anyone with functioning limbs was conscripted, and even those missing a limb or two were deployed if they were deemed capable of fighting.

It was truly a series of incompetent decisions.

And the incompetent decisions of those in power only resulted in the suffering of countless innocent people.

As a result, the population began to dwindle drastically.

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Hold on.

This isn’t the intro to an apocalypse novel.

I didn’t realize the intro would be over 1800 words. Seriously. I’m sorry.

Anyway, around the time the monsters appeared, people started to undergo some changes.

Just as fantastical creatures emerged, fantastical things began to happen to humans as well.

Some people, though not all, suddenly developed abilities.

Prime examples include the abilities commonly seen in fiction: pyrokinesis, cryokinesis, and super speed.

These were abilities that everyone had dreamed of at least once, but not everyone got what they wanted.

Some could detach and reattach their limbs at will, while others had rapidly growing nails.

It was a perfect example of how life is a luck-based, pay-to-win game with no resets.

Ultimately, thanks to the participation of these ability users in actively hunting monsters, the tide turned once again.

This active participation in monster hunting is what gave rise to the term “Hunter.”

Thanks to the Hunters’ efforts, although monsters still exist, a semblance of peace has been restored.

And when peace takes root, people start to focus on other things.

One prime example is discrimination based on differences.

The presence or absence of abilities led to discrimination between ability users and non-ability users.

Among ability users, there was discrimination based on the strength and weakness of their abilities.

The situation among Hunters was no different, if not worse.

They used the term “Hunter” to distinguish themselves from others and established the Hunter Association.

Even within the association, discrimination and ranking continued, eventually culminating in the assignment of ranks like labels.

And these labels were borrowed directly from the most popular game at the time.

Iron, Bronze, Silver, Gold, and Platinum.

Before long, “So, what’s your tier?” became a standard greeting among Hunters.

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The areas chosen by the Gates connecting to other dimensions presented a different scene.

The Gates that spawned monsters were naturally destroyed, leaving only those that allowed for interaction with other dimensions.

This rarity alone made them unique, attracting people and fostering commercial development.

A prime example is the Nonsan Training Center.

Its unique “appeal” created a thriving, albeit peculiar, market.

Anyway, the majority of people who flocked to areas with Gates were Hunters authorized to travel through them.

And these Gates offered a different lifestyle compared to other regions.

For instance, one could acquire extremely rare weapons only available in other dimensions.

“Still haven’t bought a magic sword from the dwarves? Pathetic.”

“…Get lost. That’s just uranium.”

“Well, it does kill its wielder, so I guess ‘magic sword’ fits.”

Or the development of underground industries.

“The bunny brothel is amazing. You can finish in 3 seconds, guaranteed.”

“You premature ejaculator.”

“Call it rapid-fire.”

“I think the 300-year-old veteran elf ace is better than the beast-kin.”

“Dude, this guy’s into grannies.”

Of course, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

Didn’t I mention the crappy market at the Nonsan Training Center?

It was no different here.

“Is this…food?”

“Damn… Where’s our 200-year-old Chinese elf chef?”

“He got deported because of the Self-Employed Protection Act.”

“This chicken is so undercooked that if I zap it with my lightning, it might come back to life.”

It was a relatively peaceful time, but deep wounds leave lasting scars.

The dwindling population meant that the nation lacked the manpower to defend itself.

While Hunters were considered reservists in times of emergency, most ability users preferred regular jobs over becoming Hunters.

After all, life is precious.

As a result, there was a shortage of Hunters in the early days.

The government had lost much of its support due to its past incompetence and had even ceded some of its authority to the Hunter Association.

They needed a solution.

So, the government offered two incentives.

One was to provide Hunters with enormous benefits.

Benefits so extravagant that people would think, “This is worth risking my life for.”

The other was to establish specialized educational institutions with irresistible rewards.

While the stated purpose was to diversify career options, the underlying intention was to train attack dogs – individuals whose profession was combat.

This is how the government-run Hunter Academies came into being.

The era of Hunters had begun.

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The abyss in my mind whispered.

Kill that bastard, it said.

“I’m going to be a Hunter, starting today.”

“Why would you want to be a Hunter, you crazy fool?”

“To crack your head open. ‘Masterpiece’? You son of a bitch?”

“Well, I guess you won’t forget it anytime soon.”

The old man kept chuckling, finding it all amusing.

But does laughing crack someone’s head open?

No.

I have to do it myself.

“Anyway, just so you know, watch your head.”

“Want another one? This time, it’s a real masterpiece.”

“Go to hell.”

I was in eighth grade at the time.

An age where words carry little weight.

So, no matter what decision you make, it’s often not taken seriously.

But if you consistently maintain that decision until high school, it can be considered to have stepped into the realm of sincerity.

“Are you really going to pursue a stupid career like being a Hunter? And you’re even going to the Academy?”

“Free tuition, no military service. End of discussion.”

“Don’t go. You’ll die as soon as you graduate, for real.”

I had a line prepared for that.

But the old man beat me to it.

“‘As long as it’s not me!!’ That won’t work.”

“Hey, give me back my line.”

“Look, even university tuition isn’t that expensive these days.”

“But…”

“But what?”

I looked the old man straight in the eye and said,

“But… Oniichan… I have to crack your head open.”

“Don’t you think it’s time to move on?”

“You bastard, I’m still suffering!”

Shall I kill him, Master?

Patience, my inner HAL.

“Well, I guess it was a truly unforgettable masterpiece.”

“You haven’t even seen it, you bastard!!”

“…I already know everything.”

The old man suddenly looked haggard and continued,

“Let’s say you do go to the Academy. Do you have any abilities or a tier?”

“I’ll get them there.”

“Can you take out funeral insurance? With me as the beneficiary.”

That marked the end of our conversation that day.

Still, the old man kept asking for my opinion and trying to dissuade me every time he saw me.

Of course, it fell on deaf ears.

Every time I considered listening to him, the abyss in my mind resurfaced.

Eventually, the old man gave up and made another offer.

“Fine, if you want to go, then go. But at least let me make sure you don’t die.”

“Wow… This is the first time I’ve respected you.”

“It’d be awkward getting side dishes from your house if you’re dead.”

“You really are a bastard.”

As he returned to his house, the old man said,

“Come to the gym and training center behind the supermarket after dinner.”

“I can’t get in there without a membership.”

Suddenly, the old man pulled out a card the size of an ID from his wallet, holding it between his index and middle fingers.

“I have a license, so I can go in.”

“…You didn’t return it? I thought you retired.”

“They give me discounts at stores if I show this. It’s awesome.”

I quickly finished dinner and went to the location the old man specified.

He was already at the entrance of the training center, holding his license card up to the scanner.

With a beep, the door opened.

“It actually worked. First time using it since I retired.”

“What were you going to do if it didn’t work? You just came here without a backup plan?”

The old man scratched his head sheepishly.

“I was going to grab someone I know and ask them to open it.”

“You look like you have no friends. Who do you even know?”

“You little shit.”

As soon as we entered, countless fitness equipment and measuring devices came into view, befitting a gym and training center.

Of course, we weren’t there for a workout, so we headed straight for the sparring arena.

Once we arrived, the old man started operating a strange machine.

When I got closer, I saw the following message displayed:

『Please set the location, time limit, and equipment.』

The old man proceeded to operate the machine with surprising familiarity, inputting the settings.

It was the first time I saw him act like a real Hunter.

『Location: Default』

『Time Limit: Unlimited』

『Equipment: All』

Once he finished, there was a loud rumble, followed by an announcement:

『Physical injuries sustained in this sparring arena will not affect you in reality.』

『However, mental damage will persist, so please exercise caution during sparring.』

『Please follow the rules and etiquette and enjoy your sparring session.』

The background of the arena remained unchanged, but a variety of weapons had materialized in the left corner.

The old man picked up two wooden swords and handed one to me.

“Good news and better news. Which do you want first?”

“Good news.”

“I’m going to teach you personally.”

He then started swinging the wooden sword in the air.

For some reason, the sound felt ominous today.

“…Isn’t that just a fancy way of saying you’re going to beat the crap out of me?”

“Hey, where else can you get one-on-one lessons like this? Normally, people would beg on their knees for this opportunity.”

“Then what’s the better news?”

Suddenly, the old man stopped swinging the sword.

“You can learn every day! Wow! Isn’t that great!”

“…Should I just quit being a Hunter?”

“Too late. You don’t have a girlfriend anyway. I’m going to drag you here every day, so don’t even think about running away.”

“I prefer a clingy girl with long, black hair, not a clingy old man.”

But I was still a minor.

Not an adult.

So, if things got tough, I could always use my parents as a shield.

“Oh, and your parents said to take good care of you.”

“What the fuck?”

“Thanks to them, I got pork cutlets today.”

“I’m screwed.”

There goes my shield.

The old man finished his warm-up, stretched, and gripped the wooden sword tightly.

Then, with the most wicked grin I’d ever seen, he charged at me.

“So, let’s get this beating started.”

That day, the sparring arena was filled with screams, groans, and pleas for mercy.

All coming from me, of course.

And that day, I received three broken wooden swords.

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