Absolutely Do Not Touch Eldmia Egga – Chapter 91

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Translated By Arcane Translations
Translator: Yuziro
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People are like books; you can’t judge them by their covers.

Well, some people might claim they can read someone at a glance, but usually, that’s not the case.

It’s a simple and obvious truth: you only truly get to know someone through interactions and shared experiences.

And yet, sometimes, we unwittingly forget this fact.

Just like I did, right now.

Before entering the dungeon, I had treated those three troublemakers, who were nothing more than dead weight, with cold indifference.

I never, not even for a second, imagined they would bring me such immense joy.

Perhaps it was the unexpected nature of this joy that made it all the more delightful.

“He- Hero! Help meeee!”

“Uwaaaah! Die, monster!”

“Gyaaah!”

Those idiots, lacking even basic weapons, had grabbed the swords and shields provided by the academy and followed us into the dungeon.

Now, they were engaged in a desperate struggle against goblins.

One might scoff at the “red-rank” difficulty featuring mere goblins, but with over twenty of them swarming our location, the situation was… well, slightly different.

Of course, even then, with a party of five, it was still only a blue-rank difficulty at best.

That’s why the academy had designated a goblin nest as our starting point.

Finding ourselves surrounded by goblins the moment we arrived certainly lived up to the red-rank difficulty rating.

Of course, Sieg and I had swiftly eliminated all but three of the goblins.

But those three idiots, struggling against a single goblin each, were putting on quite a comedic performance.

My only regret was the lack of popcorn.

“Look at your stance! You call that fighting? Stand up straight!”

“He- Help! Please, spare me!”

“If you die to that thing, you’ll be so embarrassed that your soul will die a second time! Block! Use your head!”

It wasn’t like the Hero and I were intentionally trying to make things difficult for them.

We were merely trying to help them salvage some shred of dignity by encouraging them to at least put up a fight.

Otherwise, why would we waste time on this ridiculous charade when our priority was to reach the center of the dungeon and secure the objective marker before the other teams?

It was just incredibly amusing to watch.

“My, my, look at how he’s holding that sword. With that level of strength, why bother with a longsword and a shield?”

“Probably chose a longsword because he thought a shortsword would be too shabby. All style, no substance.”

Sieg and I were perched on a pile of rocks, gathering pebbles to use as projectiles whenever our companions found themselves in a pinch.

Their lack of basic combat skills made it easy to predict their movements two steps ahead.

They might have felt like they were walking a tightrope, but thanks to our intervention, they were in no real danger.

Thwack!

A pebble launched by Sieg hit a goblin square in the eye.

The goblin, momentarily blinded, abandoned its attempt to exploit a gap in the Mountain Kingdom envoy’s high guard and stomped on his foot, clutching its face in pain.

“You’re fighting a goblin, not an Orc! Lower your stance! Bend your knees! That’s a round shield, not a tower shield!”

“Hah… hah…”

“Honestly, you bunch of morons.”

Despite his harsh words, Sieg was clearly enjoying the show.

After ten minutes of agonizing combat, the three idiots finally managed to defeat their respective goblins, looking as if they had been fighting for days.

To us, it was a pathetic, pitiful, and utterly hilarious sight.

They had probably never imagined they would be subjected to such torture.

“Anyone would think you’ve been in the dungeon for a week. What made you think you could handle this?”

Participation was entirely voluntary, so it was their own fault for getting into this mess.

Knowing this, they could only whimper, too exhausted to argue.

“Stay alert and keep up. Maintain your situational awareness.”

“C- Can we rest for a bit?”

“Rest now and you’ll be too exhausted to move. If you want to give up, just tear your return scroll. I won’t stop you.”

Failing to impress Sieg and then retreating after less than an hour would certainly make their kingdoms proud.

They fell silent, obediently following Sieg and me.

“It doesn’t feel artificial. Do you think they allowed the ecosystem to develop naturally over time?”

“Perhaps. All I know is that they hired professional mages to create this place. But you’re right, there’s no hint of artificiality.”

However, judging by our goblin encounter, they were at least monitoring the dungeon and mapping its layout.

This meant they were also maintaining the facility, which meant there was a high probability of encountering traps that would malfunction without proper upkeep.

“There might be floor traps. I’ll take the lead.”

“Oh, you can do that too? Impressive.”

“I’ve had plenty of time to learn.”

After all, I had received six years of intensive, practical training from Master Asirye, carefully utilizing every spare moment.

I was in a different league compared to those mediocre adventurers.

Taking into account the environment, the lessons I had learned, and the academy’s teaching style, I began to identify and disarm potential traps.

The results?

Need I say more?

My accuracy was, of course, flawless, earning Sieg’s admiration.

“That’s some valuable knowledge. See, scouts are essential. We’re lacking in that department.”

“You mean your party? Don’t you have an elf?”

“She’s a magic swordsman. Can’t shoot an arrow.”

“Wait, you’re telling me there’s an elf who can’t use a bow?”

It was like hearing about a blacksmith who couldn’t swing a hammer.

But Sieg’s expression was serious, devoid of humor or deceit.

“She’s quite the handful, even at the academy. Still young, even by elf standards. Apparently, she threw a tantrum back home and refused to learn anything but swordsmanship and magic. Said bows were too boring.”

“Unbelievable. Shouldn’t you request a scout from the Empire for future missions?”

“Why bother? I’ve got one right here.”

He grinned, attempting to pat my back, but I dodged his hand, expressing my firm refusal.

“I’m not joining your chaotic mess. Don’t even dream about it.”

“But wouldn’t traveling with us help you achieve your goals faster? Your path is just as chaotic as ours, anyway.”

“And what if the Hero decides to join the front lines? Am I supposed to wait around for that? I plan to receive my wandering knight title next year and start tracking down that bastard.”

“Hmm, interesting.”

Sieg’s eyes gleamed, and I suddenly felt like I had said too much.

But nothing came of it, and we continued our journey towards the center of the dungeon without any further incident.

We did encounter a couple of orcs and signs of a goblin settlement, but we avoided them, seeing no reason to fight.

Though I was leading the way, it felt more like cheating than actual scouting.

It was satisfying to see how well Asirye’s teachings worked, but the lack of challenge was a bit disappointing.

Still, I imagined our progress must be incredibly boring for those watching the live broadcast through those crystal ball things.

“I hear fighting.”

As we continued, Sieg and I with casual confidence, the three burdens trailed behind us with bated breath, the faint clang of weapons reached our ears.

“Monsters or people?”

“If it was in the forest, I might be able to tell, but I’m just a human. Sound travels differently in enclosed spaces like this.”

Elves and dwarves could probably distinguish the sounds, but my senses weren’t that refined.

“Either way, we have to pass through there. What should we do?”

“Do we have a choice?”

“We could charge in and ambush them mid-fight or wait until it’s over and ambush the victor.”

“The latter sounds more entertaining. Think there’s a good vantage point nearby?”

“Why don’t we approach and see? If there’s a good spot for observation, we’ll watch. If not, we’ll crash the party.”

“I like the sound of that. Let’s go!”

There was nothing quite like watching a good fight unfold.

Especially if it involved people weaker than us.

It would be a spectacle worth selling your soul for, just for the entertainment value.

Sieg seemed to share my enthusiasm, a mischievous grin on his face as he lowered himself, mimicking my silent movements as we approached the source of the noise.

As the sounds of battle grew louder, it became clear that we were approaching a clash between humans, making the anticipation even greater.

We reached a wall, the sounds of battle originating from the other side.

“Damn, looks like there’s no place to watch from.”

Sieg , who had been scanning the area with me, thinking the fight wouldn’t end before we could get a glimpse, sounded disappointed.

Sadly, I had come to the same conclusion.

“Well, things never go as planned, do they? Can you break through this wall?”

“Should I shatter it or turn it to dust?”

Sieg , confident in his magical abilities, gave me a knowing smile.

I drew my sword, my response unwavering.

“Shatter it, of course. We need to make an entrance.”

“Good point. Ambushes are all about the grand reveal.”

Sieg grinned, drawing his own sword.

I returned his smile, adjusting my grip on my weapon.

After all, ambushes were always a good idea.

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[EElf racism from Eldmia lmao]