Absolutely Do Not Touch ELdmia Egga – Chapter 135

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Translated By Arcane Translations
Translator: Yuziro
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The morning for the bandits was a slow affair.

Contrary to the common prejudice of debauched outlaws living a life of revelry and drinking all night, it was largely due to a lack of desperation in maintaining their livelihood, given the existence of a patron.

A suitable village for easy pickings, an excellent informant who helped with stable pillaging, and even a hefty income.

Occasionally, they had to go on expeditions a bit further to kidnap people according to their patron’s conditions, but compared to the comfort they usually enjoyed, that was something they could easily endure.

“Haaah, I can’t seem to wake up.”

“Isn’t it because it’s cold and you’re sleepy?”

“Oh, crap. Is that it?”

The bandits acting as guards and lookouts for the hideout were no different.

When there was no work, the number of people idling around increased, and they became increasingly lazy.

So, it became routine to have four or five guards on duty at a time.

And because they had recently pulled off a big score, they couldn’t easily shake off their languor and drowsiness, even though the sun was well on its way to its zenith.

Eventually, one of the bandits, unable to bear it any longer, pulled out a pipe, and another bandit frowned, saying:

“Hey, smoke later. The boss will have a fit if he sees.”

“The boss drank like a fish yesterday and passed out. He won’t wake up until after lunch.”

“Really? Then I’ll smoke too.”

“Damn it. I purposely didn’t bring any. Anyone got a cigarette?”

The forest was lush, but their base was a place that had been a fortress in the past, which they had modified appropriately.

It was safe to say that there were no elements that could cause a forest fire, and the area around the base was impeccably clean.

However, their boss, who had bad memories of a fire from his childhood, was extremely wary and pathologically hated smoking during work or anywhere else.

“Seriously, our boss is something else. Just looking at him, you’d think he’d bathe in a bonfire.”

“Hahaha, who wouldn’t say that?”

“Recently, what was it? He got a prophecy from a fortune teller that death would descend when five signal fires were lit, so he won’t let us light more than five bonfires.”

“Seriously, how can someone so superstitious believe in such nonsense? Does that mean the cigarettes we’re smoking now count as signal fires, and death will descend soon?”

“That’s hilarious.”

It wasn’t that they were dissatisfied with their boss.

It wasn’t easy to get angry at the person who had played a key role in uniting or eliminating the bandits in the surrounding area.

Still, they could indulge in the deviance of smoking anywhere when they were sure he wouldn’t wake up.

About ten minutes passed as they chatted boisterously and tried to wake up with the help of tobacco.

“Huh? Hey. Something’s coming.”

Two strangers began to approach from the entrance where they were standing guard.

The figures, a tall man and what appeared to be a woman, walked towards them as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

The man even waved his hand cheerfully, so the five bandits couldn’t help but fall into contemplation.

“Did we hear that someone was coming?”

“I didn’t hear anything.”

“The boss isn’t the type to forget something like this…”

He was a man who was meticulous to the point of being overly cautious, even believing in superstitions.

Their boss, who was so strict that he could be in the military rather than a bandit group, wasn’t the type to forget about visitors and get drunk.

Normally, they would have threatened the unidentified outsiders as soon as that thought crossed their minds, but…

“Wow, look at all that smoke. Are you guys catching raccoons or something?”

The approaching man… was shouting in a very cheerful and friendly voice.

Even though he was a huge figure who looked threatening at a glance, he was so affable that the bandits couldn’t even think of being aggressive and cautiously asked,

“Who are you?”

“Who else would we be but hunters! Are there other people coming here besides us?”

In an instant, all five of them snapped to attention.

The people who regularly gave them work.

They had never come on foot before, and they had never come with only two people, so they hadn’t even considered it.

“N-no, that’s not it! Unlike usual, only two of you came, and you came on foot, so we just thought someone might have gotten the wrong idea!”

“Right? We’ve maintained a good relationship for so long, I almost got annoyed thinking we were being backstabbed! Don’t scare us, friends!”

He laughed, but the bandits could clearly feel that the man had been momentarily displeased.

“Damn it. We almost screwed up. That guy doesn’t seem ordinary.”

“What do we do? Shouldn’t someone go wake up the boss?”

“Damn it, if we run in now, they’ll think it’s weird. Let’s just explain. They came suddenly too, after all.”

It was clear that it wasn’t the regular transaction date, so even if they were in a superior position, they wouldn’t be able to complain about them resting.

With that conviction, the bandit who was acting as the leader raised his voice.

“B-but what brings you here? I thought you weren’t supposed to come yet.”

“That’s something to discuss with your boss. Is he here?”

“Y-yes, he is… but he drank a lot…”

“So he’s still passed out, huh? Whatever. It’s not like we’re in the military. It’s not my place to complain about your boss resting when he doesn’t have work, right?”

Unlike his threatening size, he was quite reasonable.

The bandits sighed in relief at his nonchalant reaction, but they began to feel pressured by the man’s increasingly large size as he got closer.

So, when the two people arrived at the fortress, the bandits were completely intimidated by the giant man, who seemed to be a head and a half taller than them, and they didn’t even have time to notice the beauty next to him.

The man, who had an earring on one ear that was the same color as the woman’s hair next to him, looked them over once and then smiled, showing his teeth.

“But it’s not like I can wait until your boss wakes up. Where is he?”

“I-inside…”

“Just like you’re seeing me for the first time, I’m here for the first time too. How would I know where inside is? Can someone guide me?”

“I-I’ll guide you.”

He had always thought of his position as a leader as nothing, but he was going to volunteer like that.

The bandits looked at their leader with slightly different eyes as they watched the slave hunters follow him inside.

“What the hell do people eat to get that big?”

“Maybe it’s not what they eat, but something else?”

“More importantly, did you see the beauty next to him? She was amazing?”

“You crazy bastard. If she’s that slave hunter’s lover, you might get your eyes gouged out. How did you even have time to look at her?”

The bandit, who had brought up the topic of women for no reason, was treated like a crazy person and began to stand guard, dejected.

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“I can’t believe it. We got in this easily…?”

“I told you, being confident works surprisingly well.”

I whispered to Asirye, who was muttering in disbelief.

The decision I made as soon as I saw the bandits’ hideout, which seemed to have a scale of at least thirty people, worked perfectly.

Even in the modern military, there are often cases where a checkpoint is breached by a ridiculous bluff like, “Oh, I’m the battalion commander.”

Why would bandits be any different?

Especially since I had confirmed the general details in the documents, I could confidently bluff my way in without having to go through any trouble.

Asirye and I casually looked around, noting the locations and actions of the bandits we could see.

“Your equipment is pretty good.”

“Y-yes, sir. We always maintain our equipment in top condition to complete our requests.”

The bandit guiding us completely believed that I was a slave hunter and began to emphasize their diligence.

It wasn’t just empty words either.

They were definitely large for bandits, and they even had something similar to military discipline.

Just the ones I had seen on the way to the boss were easily over twenty, and it felt like there were more places in their hideout, which seemed to be a modified ruin, that I couldn’t see.

“Didn’t you say there were twenty of you? It seems like there are more.”

“Huh? We always maintain thirty people…”

“Really? I must have misheard. I’m not good with numbers.”

“Oh, that’s understandable. I sometimes miscalculate by a coin or two when I buy things in the village.”

Hah, a bandit bastard who can secretly go to the village and buy things.

What a messed up world.

The guy, who had no idea what I was thinking, seemed to think that we had formed a bond and laughed with me in a cheerful manner.

As we continued our exploration disguised as a conversation, the guy stopped in front of a two-story building that was barely holding its shape, which could be called a tower.

“The boss is upstairs. He doesn’t like us being around when he’s talking about business, so I’ll be going now.”

“Thanks for your trouble. See you later.”

I waved at the guy, who bowed and went back to his post, and Asirye looked at me with a subtle expression.

“How can you be so slick?”

“Slick? It’s a civilized warrior’s strategy.”

“Even that is slick.”

Asirye shook her head, but since we had gotten here so easily, there was no need to wait any longer.

I excitedly climbed the tower and, reaching the second floor, drew my longsword and kicked the only wooden door with all my might.

“Ugh?! W-what, what is it? What’s going on?”

“It’s me!”

The wooden door, which wasn’t in very good condition, shattered into pieces, and the guy, startled by the sound, jumped out of bed and looked around with sleepy eyes.

His gaze quickly turned to me, but he just had a blank expression, as if he was still half-asleep and drunk.

“What? Who are you?”

“Death!”

I swung my longsword with all my might at the guy’s neck.

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[Nat 20 on charisma]