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Translated By Arcane Translations
Translator: FusionX
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“Ah, I had something I wanted to say. I guess I should say it now.”
I shook my head at the vaguely audible voice.
A voice I had forgotten, yet couldn’t forget.
There was a moment when I tried to somehow cling to the fading breath while holding onto the limply hanging body.
Tears filled the face caressing the cooling body.
Even as my chest heaved with overwhelming breaths, there was a moment when I forcibly smiled while grasping the hand reaching out to my face.
… I had experienced it.
“It’s okay, it’s alright. You can do it, just. Please, live.”
Passing through thirty deaths and then five more.
Wouldn’t it be one of the few memories I clearly remembered even the order of the runs?
I smiled with a sobbing face.
Desperately pulling up the corners of my mouth to hide the fact that I was crying, but my face was already drenched, unable to hold back the flowing tears.
My body had been cut for a long time and was bleeding profusely, and my mind was hazy, seeming like it would fly away at any moment.
Nevertheless, my gaze was solely directed at one woman.
A woman who originally shouldn’t have died, who absolutely shouldn’t have died in my numerous lives.
That woman was cradled in my arms, bleeding. I could see the sword embedded in her chest.
Unable to even pull it out, she was looking at me with a small smile as I fidgeted anxiously.
I didn’t know why such a situation had occurred.
I thought everything had gotten twisted.
I thought everything was going well and progressing successfully, but the variable had exploded from an unexpected place.
No. It wasn’t that I didn’t know.
Even though I knew, my mind had turned blank due to the suddenness of the situation.
The person I thought would be safer than anyone else had been ambushed, so how could I maintain composure in that situation?
But for me who had lived through thirty lives, that was just an excuse.
I could have been calm.
If I had lived the previous lives a little more diligently,
if I had resolved to live for myself even once. I would have been able to handle that situation.
“At first… when we met, I should have said this, but the situation kept getting tangled, so I couldn’t. So…”
“You don’t need to say it. I can hear it later, so- just… you don’t need to say anything. It’s enough to just focus on breathing. That’s all that’s needed.”
“No. If I don’t say it now, I think I’ll regret it so much.”
Even as I felt the strength gradually loosening, I didn’t give up hope.
Because I believed she could live, I believed her death was not fate.
But wasn’t fate already twisted? I don’t know what I was expecting.
I was weak.
The reason my twenty lives were wasted in madness was probably because I realized my own weakness.
I closed my eyes at the voice that still remained vivid.
The memory of that day when I heard it, when I vowed to hold a sword for the first time.
I wiped my dry face and let go of the memory with a sigh.
I thought I had let go of all lingering attachments, but it seemed I was still living in my memories.
“Can I… love you, Robert?”
The only thirty-fifth time when Miragen died, the last day when the full moon was full and pale without a single cloud.
The lack of certainty remained the same.
Even if I died a few more times and repeated the regression, even if my mind twisted again and I let go of everything.
Could I completely forget this memory?
The moonlight penetrating the thin curtain was cool.
It dyed the dark room blue for a moment, but I gazed at the light that disappeared again with the shadows.
I couldn’t even tell why I had woken up at this early dawn.
The suddenly rising anxiety was so abrupt that even after blinking for a moment, my remaining drowsiness disappeared.
I didn’t know why this memory had suddenly resurfaced.
If the reason was hearing the news that Miragen was in the northwest… wouldn’t it make sense to understand this anxiety?
The northwest, didn’t I hear there were a few tribes there?
I told her it was better to take care of herself, so I believed she would be careful on her own, but I was still worried all the same.
She should have just stayed put in the imperial palace. If she was going to be like this, I should have told her about the mine after returning from the north.
Now it only made me unnecessarily worried.
What I had just recalled was my past memory.
A memory that remained quite intense, instantly changing my attitude about regression.
The thirty-fifth time when Miragen died.
And after that, didn’t I die at the hands of the fifty-fifth Miragen?
Thus ended my madness.
When I finally held a sword and reached the pinnacle, I regained my sanity by dying to Miragen.
It was certainly a memory I didn’t want to recall.
Sighing softly, I rubbed my eyes and forcibly scattered the memories.
Even though I was the one living in the past, I knew well how to dispel this emotion.
Getting up from my place, I grabbed the sword.
At times like this, it was better to do something.
Completely emptying my mind, it was better to somehow release the suffocating feeling inside.
Otherwise, I would go crazy, so I started walking towards the dawn like that.
Until the sun rose, I had to keep moving without rest.
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My whole body was drenched in sweat, and the flowing sweat had completely soaked the surrounding soil.
I quietly looked at the soil that had turned black from the melted snow.
The melted snow surrounded me in a circle with me at the center.
The sun that had risen at some point touched my sweat and sparkled, so I wiped my hair and put down the sword.
Since I had come out and walked since dawn, I must have been walking for several hours.
My stamina had already been pushed to the limit, so it was barely manageable to even stand, but I had no choice since this was how my stamina would increase.
Being able to use mana for a long time was an important factor, so if I didn’t increase my stamina like this, there was a high possibility I would be overwhelmed later.
Wasn’t my goal rebellion?
Since rebellion was a race against time, it was better to prepare to finish everything within 24 hours at least.
If I used mana now, I could probably move for about an hour.
Even that was limited to just moving, so it was a bleak situation in many ways.
That’s how it was for now. I thought my stamina would be resolved in about a year.
Since the climate and terrain of the North and South were quite harsh, if I moved around using the subjugation of the tribes as an excuse, wouldn’t my stamina naturally increase?
As I sheathed the sword and exhaled, I felt a presence nearby.
Turning my head to the gaze blankly staring at me, I saw a giant figure.
“… Greetings.”
“Do you always train like that?”
“Pardon?”
“I asked if you always train like that. I mean, um. I’m not interrogating you. I’m just curious.”
As if he thought his way of speaking was a bit concerning, Bunta scratched his cheek and cautiously asked again.
Indeed, there was no one with a bad heart.
By the way, training. Rather than training, it was closer to an action to simply empty my mind.
If I didn’t move my body like this and empty my mind, it would be difficult to come to my senses, buried in the rushing memories.
After pondering for a moment, I nodded, saying yes.
It would be better to keep moving like this in the future.
The time to increase my lacking stamina was quite tight.
Then Bunta looked at me blankly, as if slightly surprised.
He must have been constantly worrying about losing to me. That’s why he came all the way here to find me.
“You can join me if you’d like. We’re both deputies now anyway, right?”
“… Is that okay? I thought you would be conscious of status since you’re a nobleman.”
Even though we’re already speaking informally, what status, the North is quite different from the central region in the first place.
Unless it’s someone from the imperial family, they’re below the Grand Duchess, right?
Even a high-ranking nobleman was just a hollow name here, so the fact that I was the eldest son of a ducal family wasn’t of much use.
“I’ve already told the Grand Duchess, but here, I’m just Robert. If we’re both deputies, what does status matter?”
“I like those words.”
“Then I’ll be going now. I think it’s about time I washed up. We need to prepare for the subjugation, don’t we?”
Bunta grinned and approached me, patting my back hard with his large hand.
It was a habit he always had when he took a liking to someone.
Bunta, who laughed with a “Hahaha,” opened his mouth.
Seeing the gaze full of goodwill looking at me, it seemed the words I had just said were to his liking.
“I thought you were just a mannerless young master, but you’re more refreshing than I expected. Alright, will we see each other every morning from now on?”
“I’ll probably come out around dawn every day. I’m not one to sleep much.”
“Very good!”
I was worried he might have had a different feeling about yesterday’s incident, but as expected.
Wasn’t Bunta’s reaction just as I predicted?
There was no change in this, so I was half relieved, but now it seemed I could relax.
As Bunta moved away from me and disappeared into the training ground like that, I could finally go wash up alone.
Putting my head under the flowing warm water, I emptied my thoughts like that.
Erasing my thoughts was the most important factor for my composure.
It might have been a habit I developed at some point while repeating my regression, a natural response from my body.
If I had lived with complicated thoughts, the madness might have hit me again at some point.
Actually, my memories from that time were not very clear.
In the first place, it was a time when I ended my own life, so there was no need to remember it all, right?
The only thing I remember is the run when I held a sword.
I was glad I held a sword then.
If I had still been ignorant of the sword, I wouldn’t have been able to find even a bit of connection with the North.
The place where I could feel most at ease was the North.
There were the fewest bad memories here, so sometimes I could forget everything and laugh comfortably.
Shaking off the water on my body, I found some appropriate pants and put them on.
As I walked down the corridor, casually drying my hair with a towel, I suddenly felt a presence in front of me.
Looking up, there was a woman staring intently at me. It was Adele, with her hair tied up unlike usual.
“… What is this behavior?”
“I just washed up. I was on my way to my room.”
I answered calmly, thinking there was no problem, but Adele’s eyes were clearly shaking.
Tilting my head, wondering what the problem was, I soon realized I wasn’t wearing anything on top.
That was the reason for her wandering eyes.
Fortunately, I hadn’t neglected building my body, so there was no flab to be found, but the scars all over my body were a problem.
The burn marks Yuria had made or the self-inflicted scars would look strange on a young master’s body.
As I briefly covered myself with the towel, Adele’s wandering eyes found their place again.
“Ahem.”
Adele, whose ears had turned slightly red, let out a fake cough.
Then, glancing at me, she muttered in a chilly voice.
“I didn’t know you had exhibitionist tendencies. Aren’t you cold?”
“It’s fine if I wrap mana around myself. And about the clothes… I’ll be careful.”
“Don’t forget the fact that there’s a woman here. It’s embarrassing for me too.”
Weren’t most of the deputies men anyway?
I was a bit puzzled by those words, but soon nodded and answered.
A woman, it was a fact that could be forgotten when I was with Adele.
But I was the one who was most aware of it.
Even though she acted like that on the outside, wasn’t she actually quite a sensitive person?
“You tied your hair up today.”
“I don’t know why you’re suddenly mentioning that.”
As I asked with a small laugh, Adele stared at me intently.
Her eyes were clearly filled with displeasure, probably due to my appearance.
The way to appease Adele was simple.
I had always been the one to resolve such situations before, so I answered her question again.
Casually, as if just mentioning it in passing.
“I think it suits you well.”
For a moment, Adele’s eyes stopped. It might have been my imagination, but at least that’s how I felt.
Around the time I thought she might not like something due to the continuing silence, Adele, who had been staring at me intently, naturally retorted.
“… Is that so? Anyway, come to my room after you put on clothes.”
“Understood.”
Adele, who answered nonchalantly, turned her head with an indifferent expression.
It was the reaction I had expected. Even when I praised her like this before, she always reacted dryly.
As if she had nothing more to say to me, Adele, who had taken her gaze off me, passed by me again.
I watched her disappearing figure like that.
But if there was a slight difference from earlier, it was that her footsteps seemed a bit lighter.
I think her mood had definitely improved.
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Need moar!